I Choose You.

Chapter 23

Cas' POV

"Goodbye, Dean.." I woke up to those words. Was it just a dream? Or was it all real? Did I really leave Dean? I did. I picked my phone up and looked at it. 17 messages from Dean and 4 missed calls. I read through a few and started crying. I can't do this. I sat my phone back down and turned around on my stomach, buried my face in my pillows and pulled the covers over me as best as I could.

So this is what it feels like to be dead inside. Like somebody turned the faucet on and never turned it off. Nothing is beating or breathing but I'm still walking and seeing. There's no room on my arms for more cuts or burns. I'm just completely worn out. I don't want to move. If only I hadn't opened up to him. If only I hadn't looked into those stunning green eyes. If only I hadn't fallen in love.

Sometime later, not sure when because I apparently passed out from crying, my mother came in. "Castiel," her voice was very harsh, "I'm taking your phone away. You'll start online school next week. The only time you are permitted to leaving the house is for church or with me. Possibly Michael." Yeah, because I'm gonna hit on anything with a dick, right mom. She's so fucking stupid, how could she do this to me? She's supposed to love and support me, right? Why don't you just take the one thing that actually made me happy. Oh wait, you already did.

I don't say anything, I don't even move. I make a grunting noise and she leaves the room with my phone. My ring and book are in my dresser drawers though, which she doesn't know. What am I supposed to do with myself now? Just lay here? Wallow in my self pity? Because that's pretty much all I'm doing.

I get up and walk to the kitchen for a drink. When I walk back up the stairs I run into Lucifer. If it wasn't for him my mom wouldn't have found out about Dean and I the first time. This most likely wouldn't be happening. I got infuriated all of a sudden and dropped my drink on the stairs. I lunge towards lucifer and start beating at him. "You fucking twat! If it weren't for you telling mom the first time, then this-" I stop speaking and keep beating on him. He gains his focus and we roll down the stairs and he starts punching back at me. "Never trust anyone!" He yelled at me. I kneed him in the crotch and he fell over and I got back on top of him. He brought his fist up and punched me in the nose. I didn't notice that I was bleeding until the blood dropped down on to Lucifer. Gabe was on the side yelling "Fight, fight, fight!" Not trying to stop us at all. He seemed to be enjoying himself. I feel nothing but anger right now. Eventually Michael pulled me off of Lucifer and sent me to my room. I glared at Lucifer and then yanked myself away from Michael. I went upstairs to my room and slammed the door shut. I yelled, "Fucking idiot!" loud enough to make sure they all heard me.

I went into my bathroom and carefully cleaned the blood from my nose and mouth off. It hurt pretty bad actually. I looked down at my hands and I was shaking. I started having a hard time breathing all of a sudden. There was a tightness in my chest. My head was killing me. I'm having an anxiety attack now, great. I stripped my clothes off and turned the shower on. Making sure the water was hot. I stepped in and stood there for a while. Watching the blood that I didn't get off wash down the drain. I grabbed the shampoo and washed my hair and body. I took a deep breath and sat down in the shower, trying to calm down and focus on my breathing. I sat back and got overwhelmed with my thoughts of Dean, my family, my life. I felt my heart beating in my throat, which is definitely not normal. I started panicking a bit. I sat up and then laid back down from dizziness. I heard a knock on my bathroom door. What the fuck? I'm a little busy right now. "Castiel, can I come in?" It was Michael. "Um. Sure?" I made sure the shower curtain was closed enough. Michael sat on the toilet and asked me, "Are you okay?" I shook my head no but he couldn't see that. "Castiel?" He asked again. "Y-yeah.. I'm fine. But I'm in the middle of something so if you could leave please.." He took the hint and got out. Michael means well, he does. He's just got a stick up his ass 24/7 now a days. I continued thinking about everything. All the memories I had with Dean. I found myself crying. I'm so weak. Physically and mentally. I haven't eaten for days and all this fucking crying isn't helping. I close my eyes, not meaning to, and fall unconscious.