You Broke Me, You Saved Me (Jalex)

Chapter 2: No Idea

Jack's POV:

The lighting flashed across the sky, bringing back jolting memories. I just couldn't forget them, I pushed them out of my head, but the littlest things sent me on an emotional roller coaster.

~flashback from 2 1/2 years ago, middle of 7th grade year~

He jumped slightly, ever so slightly, but I noticed it immediately.

"What's wrong?" I questioned, pausing the game.

"Nothing," Alex replied, laughing. I knew it wasn't his usual laugh. I knew my best friend better than that. The lighting flashed again, and Alex jumped again. "Fuck," he said under his breath.

"Lex, you can tell me anything. You know that," I said, putting my hand on his shoulder. I tried to look him in the eyes, but he looked down. "Please, Alex. I'm here for you."

"I- I'll be right back," he stammered, rushing to the bathroom. I knew something was wrong, and it killed me not to know what that something was. Being the curious 13 year old boy that I was, I walked up to the door, pressing my ear against it.

"Calm down, it's just a storm. Fuck, Alex, it's just a storm!" I heard him whispering to himself.

I couldn't stand there any longer- I opened the door. It pained me to see him in the state he was in. My best friend was shaking violently with tears streaming down his cheeks. I'd never seen him cry before. He was always the strong friend. I always went to him for everything. It never once crossed my mind that he was going through stuff himself. I'd assumed he'd told me everything without asking otherwise.

"What the fuck, Jack?! Get out of here!" he exclaimed, slamming the door and locking it. I was too shocked to say anything, I just went back to my room and sat on my bed. 5 minutes later, Alex walked in, grabbing his sweatshirt and house key.

"Where are you going?" I asked.

"Away from here," he replied stiffly. He started to walk out, but something came over me, causing me to stand in front of him.

"No," I said firmly. He looked up at me, angry and confused at the same time, but slightly relieved. "Alex, you're my best friend. I'll never let you go through anything alone. Ever." Tears started welling up in his eyes, and he looked down, trying to push past me, but I didn't let him. I pulled him in and hugged him tight, so tight that I knew he'd feel safe, but not so tight he couldn't breathe. He broke down, spilling all his tears into my shoulder. We stayed like that for 10 minutes until we both sat down on my bed, me facing him. "What's wrong, Lex?"

"I- I have an- anxiety," he said, still recovering from crying. "It gets worse and worse, I can't talk to anyone anymore besides you. You're all I have. Everything else scares me. It's so bad, I just want it to go away but it's always there, causing me to second-guess everything. And panic attacks. They're terrible, but they keep happening. I'm sorry I had to break down like that in front of you, I never wanted you to see that side of me."

"Lex, I love you. I'm always on your side, no matter what," I murmur, pulling him in again, causing him to start crying once more.

"I know, and it means so much. I love you too Jack," he replied. Some part of me felt really happy when he said that, but I'm not gay. I'm definitely not gay. Not for Alex, not for anyone. I'm straight, I'm straight, I'm definitely straight.

We ended up laying down- our normal night routine since Alex basically lives here. He cries himself to sleep with his head against my chest, which has never happened. He usually sleeps further away from me, but I guess he needed me tonight and I understood that. Whenever lighting flashed, I rubbed my hand on his back to calm him down. "I love you so much, Jack," he said softly before drifting to sleep.

"I love you too," I reply, falling asleep as well.

~back to reality now~

I still hate myself for it. I made my best friend feel like shit and I pushed him away because I was selfish, I was so selfish.

The day I found out he was gay, something flipped in me. I was so happy about it, and everything started making sense- the way I felt about him was more than just friends. I had a crush on him. My best friend. I was attracted to my best friend.

I didn't want to fall in love with him. I needed to keep my distance, so I had to do it. I was sure I was straight until Alex came out to me, and everything came clear after that. Maybe I'm bi, but either way, I wasn't about to hurt my best friend. He'd never feel the same way as I did, and also, my parents would kick me out if I dated a guy. Additionally, if I did date Alex and something happened, our friendship wouldn't be the same. However, I knew my feelings wouldn't go away, so I had to leave him. I had to break my better half for the good of both of us. Alex had no idea how much I liked him, but it had to stay that way.