The Ahh-ness of Things (or The Sentinel of Mono No Aware)

The Impermanence of Things

 After a few moments of discouraged confusion, I was sure Donnie was not coming back to the room to get me. I left the little girl to sleep & angrily made my way back out into the living room to collect my things. I wasn't exactly sure if I was coming or going. Maybe I wouldn't stay after all but after hours of trudging around in the sewers, I was drenched in sweat and muck and stunk to high heaven, so I decided I would take a shower. That was the least my former companion could provide me the simple courtesy of. Looking around the great room made me sad but no longer in a nostalgic kind of way; I was lost. Why was I so unwelcome? How could I possibly be so out of place here. Not here. I just wanted to clean myself up, lay down on the old couch & watch TV with the guys, but no one was there. Donatello seemed like a shadow of the person I knew before, it was so uncomfortable.

*"Why did you turn the light on to leave me standing in the dark of the doorway"*

I called out to him through the void between our thoughts as I'd done a hundred time before. He was not listening. I couldn't hear him & now that I knew he was not out of his mind, it was clear he was ignoring me. Some how, perhaps, we were no longer connected. I thought again to how he had snuck up on me in the tunnels. He had been able to conceal himself from me, not only in shadow, but his very energy. I hadn't been able to hear his thoughts in years, now he stopped responding to mine. Either way; it was still home. Looked like home, still smelled like home, even if it suddenly didn't feel like my home. I laughed to myself; for a dark old subway station under two tiers of rails & sewers just outside of the door, this place was always clean if not neat, especially for the home of four dudes... Now it was damp & cluttered. And then it occurred to me; maybe no one lived here anymore. I hadn't seen anyone else but Donnie & the little girl.

I couldn't bring myself to go snooping around, it just didn't feel like it was my right anymore, any of my business. I knew for sure if I could go into the kitchen, maybe I would open the refrigerator and find remnants of Raph's pet food or even Ice Cream Kitty in the freezer. Was she even still alive and & do mutant cats live for a long time? If I were to see she was there, Mikey was definitely still living here. If there was pet food in the fridge, then Raphael still had a menagerie of animals in his room. I was too tired for anymore let downs, I really just wanted to talk to Donnie. If I was being honest, I think he was the main reason I came home. Yeah I know, I knew he was the main reason I came home; who was I kidding.  Coming here down here into the tunnels alone, hoping he'd come for me. But if I couldn't even speak to him, I couldn't even get him to break a smile, how could I tell him all the things on my mind? Now a million more things to worry about, not just the way I felt. So I skipped the kitchen and headed straight for the shower.

I peeled my gross clothes off & kicked them into a corner on the pebble tile floor & stepped into the cold shower stall. The steam rose to warm me as the long hose used for water from the tank & heater filled the bottom of the triangular closet like space. Years before I had known them, splinter had built this out of bamboo, into a corner of the tile wall, so he could shower while the boys played in the bathing basin. I hung the hose on the hook above me. These little things were all still the same & I was greatfull. The little shelf was lined with the old familiar & wonderful soaps they made from scratch. Dear lord I had missed these beautiful smells & concoctions that made you feel absolutely pleasant!

I washed away the salt & grime & scrubbed my hair. I knew a long time ago I should have come home. I waited too long & now the impermanence of things was apparent above all else. I tried to ignore how suddenly it occurred to me there was no need for shampoo in this house. It was a nice shampoo, made of probably coconut milk, & smelled like chai tea. The guys don't have hair. Neither did the little girl. I was in someone else's home. I ran my hand across the lower half of my belly. There would never be life there, my tears vanishing into the water.

*a flash of a man's naked body, standing just where I stood, water streaming down long, strong legs to very well made & very human feet*

I hated it more & more when that happened. I had actually grown less used to it over time. It was like electricity shocked my head from the inside & stole my sight. I had no idea who or what I had just seen, nor why. I stepped out into the freezing air & as I bent to turn the water off at the tank, I saw that there were clean towels on top of it. Someone had come into the bathroom & left them for me. It had to have been him.