The Ahh-ness of Things (or The Sentinel of Mono No Aware)

The Broken We Share

I lay there facing him, dazed. I knew I wasn't ok but I just wanted to be still. Time always seemed to move backwards for us, bringing us back to this scenario again & again.

"Thank you".

I felt like it was as good a time as any to just say it. He was gently wiping dried blood from my fingers. A long time ago he might have sealed it with a kiss. That kind of attention wasn't for me anymore, but his light touch showed he cared.

"Just a couple stitches." He looked up, still holding my hand in his. I had hit the hard front plate of his shell so many times, I had broken the skin across several knuckles.

"I'm always waking up to you caring for me." I let my hand linger in his for as long as he would let me.

"That's an interesting way to put it." He reached over & placed the blood stained gauze in a little bowl. The minty smell of the homemade camphor castille soap made me reminisce on the days when little injuries like this were something I was proud of. The soap was made from the great tree cascading over us. Everything I ever needed was here.

"Thank you... for always taking care of me."

He was wrapping my hand, looping the bandage in-between one finger & up over another. He stopped & looked at me sadly, maybe a little surprised at my tenderness. He was genuinely forthcoming when he said "I love you."

"Do you, still?"

"April. I will always love you" It was a kind of dismissing response, betraying the way he looked back down at his task, trying to avoid making eye contact. "When did you start having seizures?"

"Is that what we're calling it?" I rolled over on to my back. He didn't want me to see his heart & I didn't want him to pry answers from me.

"You tell me...April, what is going on with you?" He let go of me & I knew he was ashamed of us both, but he was ready to get off the merry go round we were stuck on.

"Did you really throw your naginata at me?"

"Fine, don't answer me. You've made ignoring me your go to for everything." He began mumbling under his breath & started cleaning up the medical supplies. I just watched him. I wondered what our life could have been. Maybe it was for the best, there would have been so many heartbreaks; maybe this was the lesser of sorrows. He must have felt it. He put his hands on the top of his thighs & pushed his knees into the floor with the weight of his sigh. "I'm sorry, I made a mistake."

"Like us?"

"Yeah well Cupid should shoot who ever said 'loved & lost' shouldn't he." It was his half attempt at a lame joke. He didn't like my question & he was good at spinning things when he didn't want to answer, but tragedy & comedy are the best of friends. I'm worse than he is at not being able to let something go. 

"She's in love with you."

"Stop." He was moving things around in his space, like he does. He couldn't figure out how to solve this problem between us.

"You're really good for each other." I meant it, admirably.

He stopped & squeezed my arm & then bent my leg at the knee. I watched him, still waiting for a response. He pulled the blanket up around me. I was now being made a part of that space where he moved his things around in frustration. My limbs were stiff & I felt dreamy; way more comfortable than I should be on the hard wood floor.

"You're tonic, you don't know what you're saying." He folded an extra blanket to prop my head up. "How long have you been having these seizures?"

"About a year. Maybe a year & a half." I gave up. I didn't want to answer him & he didn't want to answer me. "Figures, I try to be honest & you pass it off as lack of inhibition."

"April you're not yourself, right now."

"So says the guy who can't ever tell anyone how he feels"

He grit his teeth; "Ok April, I'll bite." He was staring straight down, leaned over me, fixing the makeshift pillow under my head. He could have leaned in & kissed me if he had wanted to. I wanted him to. "How did you know about Noni?"

"Don't worry the guys didn't say anything." I felt drunk & I just wanted to fall back asleep, as long as I knew he'd stay by me.

"That's not what I meant." He said disheartenedly as he folded his legs out to the side & put his hand over his face. "I told you, I don't have anything to hide from you."

"I know."

"I never could." He pulled his hand down & for the first time I really noticed his face was bruised. "I can't even keep myself in check when I'm around you."

He really didn't know why he had come to the momentary resolve that throwing things at me was necessary. He knew there was more to why I laying there, unable to stand, but he couldn't forget for a  second that he had done something so thoughtless. He was visibly battered for it. They lacked fleshy lips but their mouths were soft & not quite like a turtle's beak. The corner of his mouth was still revealing little lines of fresh blood when he spoke & the soft ridge of his mouth was split. I reached out & laid my busted hand his cheek. His eye was blacked, there was a cut on his cheekbone from where a hand had landed, heavy enough to break the skin. 

"Did Raphael do that?"

"No. That one was Leo."

"Leonardo hit you?" I felt so much regret, knowing I had caused all their distress. I wondered if the kids had seen us fighting. I had thrown things, too. We were both pathetically wounded & yet here he was mending me before he cared to notice his own needs. This was all that was left of our messed up, broken relationship. Things never fucking change, even in the whirlwind.

"April, I could have killed you." He pulled my hand away but not in distrust this time, it was in shame, & I watched him spiral out as I felt the dizzy buzz come over me again. "We shouldn't have been sparring anyways...why didn't you say anything about this...I don't even know what I'm doing anymore...none of this is your fault...just talk to me. April? April."

He was leaning over me again, now pulling my eyelids open. I was fading out again. "Your eyes are clonic. April... Just rest...."

***I try not to include art work that I can't reference credit to the artist but I found these incredible sketches of traditional hijichi tattoos from Okinawa & I wanted to share them. I think they're from Okinawan Princess: Da Legend of Hajichi Tattoos by Laura Kina****