Not Without You

thirty-seven

Leo

I know I've fucked up before Aria even closes the door. Groaning, I throw my arm over my eyes. Everything I wanted to say to her came out entirely wrong. I didn't mean to compare her to a stranger. Yes, she was when we first met, but she's so far from that now. She's more than a friend, more than a lover. I can't describe what she is. The things she does to my heart, body, and soul. It's all unexplainable.

The truth is, I'm uncomfortable with admitting to her just how terrified I am of leaving her when the summer ends. I fear that my life is going to be the epitome of loneliness the second I step onto that plane and head back to the East Coast. I can't imagine being on the other side of the country and not being able to see Aria for months at a time. And, despite having access to technology, I just don't know if I can put my blind faith in it. Texting and Skype don't account for face-to-face interactions. Despite my introverted self, I'd much rather prefer face-to-face. I may have a phone from the Stone Age, but my mother raised me right. Relationships need to have sustenance, which is something technology doesn't necessarily provide.

It's a self-centred reason, but it's the truth. I don't know how I'm supposed to continue on with daily routines without Aria being near me. I like who I am when she's next to me. She makes me strive to be better, to be more explorative. She emphasizes my confidence. I love who she is and how she never seeks to embarrass someone; she's supportive, kind, and a little headstrong. She knows what she wants and how she wants it.

Groaning, I sit up in the small bed and glance to my right. Already, the imprint and warmth from her body are gone, leaving nothing but the smell of her perfume behind to fill my nose and intoxicate me. Immediately, a punch of longing hits me square in the gut, followed quickly by shame. Why did I have to say what I did? Why couldn't I have just been upfront about my fears? It was unfair of me to revert to acting that way when I know Aria better than that. She wouldn't have judged me or anything like that.

I drop my face into my hands, rubbing my tired eyes.

The more I think about it, the more I think about everything, the more I begin to realize how irrationally stupid I'm being. If my dad can make a relationship work after seven years of being apart, Aria and I can make it through a few months. Our situation is entirely different. We're willing to stay in contact with each other. Willing to do the work. I'm not saying my parents weren't — I'm sure they were. Aria and I just have nothing holding us back from making this long-distance relationship work. We're on the same page. At least, I think we are. My words of stupidity kind of undermined everything. The truth is, I'm never going to be able to find words to describe how beautiful this relationship is, but I'll be damned if I don't spend the rest of my life trying to.

Without thinking, I shove the blankets away and gather up my clothes, dressing as quickly as I can. I stumble out of the trailer wearing nothing but my socks, shorts, and an inside-out T-shirt. It takes a moment for my eyes to adjust to that darkness, but that doesn't stop me from following the path back to the venue where the party is still going strong. Aria caught a ride here with Benn, who left early with Colson, so I'm only assuming that she's scoping out the area to try and find her parents. Knowing Aria, she's probably already come to the conclusion that if her parents and aunt and uncle are still here, she can steal one of their vehicles and they can all carpool together.