Keeping Tabs

Chapter 5

Chapter 5

On Saturday morning I awoke with purpose. I spent nearly an hour deciding what to wear, another hour on make up that I wasn't even supposed to be wearing, and yet another on my hair.

I couldn't pull everything together until almost three o'clock, but when I did, I saw a girl of at least fifteen in the mirror. I beamed with excitement as I put on my shoes. I took one last glance in the mirror to make sure of every last detail before I walked downstairs, making a head to toe checklist as I looked.

My chestnut colored hair had been pulled into a high mound of curls, a select few left loose to make it look softer. Dramatic blue-gray eye shadow that matched my dress and my eyes perfectly sparkled softly. Pink lip gloss that shimmered in the light made my lips appear fuller than they really were. A sweet yet grown up diamond cut neckline and a flowing hem that ended a few inches above my knees. Black heeled sandals finished it off, and I was satisfied with the overall package, convinced that I looked old enough to date.

My mother was waiting with her camera and her car keys as I came down the steps and into the kitchen doorway. She began tearing up a bit as she snapped various shots of me walking and twirling, reveling in the sheer girlishness of it all.

“You look so pretty! Oh I should let your father see this.”

“Mom!” I pleaded with her to stop before she really embarrassed me, but I could tell she was just getting warmed up.

“Alright, let's get going, before you're late for your little date. I meant party.” My mother said, winking in the most humiliating fashion, the sight making me cringe as I thought of how she would be when we actually got there. After another few clicks and flashes from her camera, we were in the car and she was driving as fast as the icy streets would safely allow her to go.

It took almost fifteen minutes with my mother’s notoriously slow driving for us to get there, and almost ten more for me to convince my mother that she didn't need to stay and chaperone. I waited until her car was out of sight before I turned toward the house and walked up the paved walkway that led up to Snoopie's porch. I took a deep, steadying breath before I rang the doorbell. I was practically writhing in anticipation as I heard the approaching footsteps.

“Can I help you?”

I looked up at a tall, slim blonde girl with a red sequined dress and suddenly felt like an inadequate child all over again. I stared for a long moment before I spoke up in a squeaky voice, “Is Adam here?”

“How do you know Adam?” she laughed. I shrank a bit more inside. I couldn't find the words to speak, and I was about to turn and run away when I heard a familiar, comforting voice call my name. My heart gushed in response to Colin's buttery smooth voice saying my name.

“Hey, Jennifer! Let Tabs in! It's freezin' out there!” Colin grabbed this blonde behemoth around the waist and picked her up in a wide, sweeping gesture. They kissed passionately before he set her back on her feet. And my heart was crushed. Again.

I couldn't help but notice that while this Jennifer seemed rather large to me, she was actually rather diminutive compared to him. One more reminder of that “level” that I wasn't on. I genuinely hated her in that moment. With every piece of my shattered heart, I hated her.

I must have been standing in the door way too long because Colin looked over at me and smiled in his casual way, motioning for me to come in. I numbly stepped forward until he could close the door behind me, and I almost lost it when he asked for my coat. I couldn't take off my coat! I had thought that I looked grown up and mature until I'd seen this Jennifer, and now I just felt ridiculously silly.

“No. No, thanks. I'm actually kind of cold still,” I lied. I was already beginning to sweat, and I knew it wouldn't be more than half an hour before I broke and took it off anyway, but at least then I wouldn't have to do it in front of Colin or his Jennifer. God, I hated her!

“Suit yourself. Party's this way.” Colin nodded toward the expansive den that served as Adam's game room. Everyone that knew me said hello. And I realized just how pathetic I was when that only included Adam, Chris, Micah, Colin, Seth, and Adam's mom.

I could not have felt more out of place, so I found a comfortable corner and watched as everyone around mingled with everyone except me. After nearly two hours of sitting on my coat and feeling sorry for myself, I got up to leave. I knew that no one meant anything by it, but it actually hurt my feelings a bit when they only waved goodbye instead of asking me to stay. Even Micah was preoccupied with someone else, and he barely noticed my silent retreat toward the front door.

I was almost out when I heard a muffled argument. Every part of my conscience said to leave, which meant I just had to stay and listen! I closed the front door and headed back down the little hallway toward Adam's room.

“. . .Don't care if she knows Adam! Why would any of you invite a little girl! What kind of sick perverts hang out with little girls?”

“Look, she's a good kid. And she helped Micah. I told you about that.”

Colin's voice rooted me in place, and I recognized the other voice as Jennifer. I realized all too quickly that I was the topic of conversation. I listened more intently.

“And so that makes her part of your so-called group now? That's just sick, Colin!”

“Shut up! Do not go there with me! Besides, Adam wanted her here so he could tell her about his cancer. He wanted her to be here, and whether you like it or not, she's here!”

“Well then I'll let you take her home instead of me, jerk!”

I backed away from the door just before she burst out into the hallway, mascara and tears smearing down her cheeks. She made one final disgusted glance toward me before she slammed the front door. When Colin showed his face, I lost all composure.

“Adam has cancer? And you only let me in your group because of Micah. I see now. Thanks for the pity, but I don’t need it anymore.”

“Tabs! Wait!”

I couldn't hear him after that, because I was already running toward the street. After two blocks, one of shoes broke, and I just pulled them off and kept going. I was crying so heavily and the snow was starting to fall, so I was running blindly through the streets, hoping that I was headed toward home. I was headed in the right direction, but I never made it home that night.

I later found out, (when I woke up two weeks later.), that I had been hit by a Honda at the corner of Lyle avenue and Glendale drive. It broke three of my ribs, fractured my skull and broke my right arm. The owner of the car had hit a patch of ice and couldn't stop when she'd seen me running across the street. I still feel bad for the nightmares that woman must have even now. When someone makes a mistake that big, through their own fault or not, it follows them forever.