Spaces Between Us

Zayn

Liam is here. He's here in this exact hotel, he could be in the room next door for all I know. With that thought, I shot up from my position on the bed and hurried over to the wall that was opposite me. I placed my ear on it and held my breath. Part of me hoped that I would hear Liam's voice, I wanted him to be near. I didn't know why, I just did. But, a bigger part of me prayed he wasn't. I hated confrontation, especially with people I cared about. And with Liam came Louis and Harry, the two people I was dreading the most. I listened carefully for a bit, then, all of a sudden, I began to hear loud moans and grunts. It took a while for me to register what my neighbours were doing and when I did, I moved away from the wall so quickly it was almost as if a supernatural force had dragged my body away from the wall. I scrunched my face up as disgust filled my thoughts, but soon those thoughts were replaced with one of longing.

Of course, l didn't long to join my neighbour in their,uhm, endeavours. However, I longed for that intimacy. Don't get me wrong, I loved Gigi. Not only was she a gorgeous, accomplished woman. She was also the most loving and nurturing person I know. Aside from my mother, of course. But, she was always so busy. Her career took her all over the world, further and further away from me. I got lonely sometimes, my parents lived in England while I resided in New York. I didn't have many friends, half the world hated me anyway. To everyone I was a selfish backstabber, using One Direction purely for fame. It was sad and I often found myself alone with my thoughts. It pained me that no one knew even half of the story and, yet, I'm painted as the bad guy.

"Another concert in the bag!" Louis exclaimed,rushing on to the tour bus and plopping his body down on a bean bag. The boys chuckled and followed suite while I trailed along behind them. The door closed behind me and the bus starts moving. 'On to the next concert.' I thought, somewhat sadly, to myself.

"Is anybody hungry?"  Liam asked and everyone, except me, screamed yes. Liam cocked his head to me and frowned, "What about you Zayn? You didn't eat anything before the concert either, you must be hungry."

"I'm fine." I mumbled, Liam gave me another look and then disappeared into the kitchen area of the bus. From the corner of the eye, I saw Harry staring at me with worry. I turned and gave him a small smile before getting up. "I'm heading to bed, I'll see you tomorrow." I moved towards the beds.

"Jesus, when did you get so boring zayn? It's only ten pm!" I heard Louis exclaim, Niall was the only one to respond with a small chuckle.

"Don't you guys ever get tired, I mean like, it's every day the same routine, the same songs, the same concerts, and everything seems to be the same. Don't you ever want to do something different? I'm greatful for everything we've accomplished but we're only getting older and maybe our music should mature with us." I let out a breath I didn't even know I was holding and lifted my head up. I never planned on saying any of this to them. These were thoughts, I had for myself and I was scared, ashamed even, to talk about it with anyone. The boys all shared glances with each other, Liam even poked his head out of the kitchen.

"I don't know what sort of drugs you're on, but I love this. I love the songs, the fans, and even the fucking paparazzi. I wouldn't trade it for the world." Louis said after a while. He loved the band more than his own life and I admired his passion. I tried, Lord knows I tried, to equate his feelings but I couldn't.

"Zayn, you're probably tired and need rest," Liam said before returning to his cooking. I nodded and mumbled another goodnight before retiring to my bunk bed.

I'd been lying in my bed for hours, but I couldn't go to sleep. Thought after thought clouded my mind. I could hear the boys' voices and their laughter and I longed to join them, but I couldn't find it within myself to go to them. I felt like a stranger when I was in their midst, almost like an imposter. All of a sudden, the curtains around my bed were drawn back and Harry's dimpled smile appeared.

"Liam made some quesadillas. Move over."Harry handed me a plate and then jumped onto my bed, resting his feet near my head and his head near my feet. We lay there for a while both of us staring up at the bed above and I slowly munched on my quesadilla, I didn't realize how hungry I was. "I get what you mean, you know." Harry uttered eventually, " With the songs especially, I feel like they're definitely not me but that's why I try to write as many of them myself. It gives me some creative control." I got up slightly, resting my body weight on my elbows.

"Harry, you know how they feel about the songs I write," I said blankly,

"Fair enough, but not to be the devil's advocate, your songs are either very R rated or just depressing as fuck."

"That's just how I feel," I whispered quietly, I'm not sure if Harry heard but after a while he got up and jumped into his bed. I heard his snores soon after, the other boys soon came in and followed suit. It didn't take longe before I was the only one awake. The bus was dark and I could feel it moving underneath me. I was surrounded by the unharmonious snores of my bandmates, yet, I'd never felt so alone, so alone with only my thoughts to comfort me.

My phone buzzed,

Good luck tomorrow babe! I love you and remember you're there to pay respects, you don't owe anyone an apology.

I understood where Gigi was coming from, yet she was so wrong. I owed a lot of people an apology, I hurt a lot of people by ignorantly following the advice of greedy managers and allowing them to manipulate me. The worst part is, the one person I owed the biggest apology to was no longer here. He was dead. I couldn't just enter the Syco Entertainment building and ask to see him. I let him down, I let Simon down.

I tossed and turned in bed trying to get some sleep but anxiety for tomorrow's events kept me awake. I wondered how the others were doing. I wondered whether they were thinking about tomorrow the same way I was, although I had more to be worried about. As if on cue, I heard a bunch of voices outside my room. I opened my curtains and looked out the window, it was dark and I couldn't see more than four silhouettes.However, I recognized their voices. I could hear Louis' jokes, Niall's laughter, Harry's chuckle and Liam's scolding. Without a second thought, I closed the curtain and moved away from the window, afraid that they could see me. I could hear the elevator in the hallway, 'That must be them.' I thought to myself. I rushed to the door and slightly opened it, poking my head out so I could see into the dimly lit corridor. Soon, the elevator doors opened and the boys stepped out. Though,they were no longer boys, we were no longer boys.

"We needed this, it was just like old times." Niall said, I poked my head out further to get a better view and in doing so my door creaks. For such an expensive hotel, there doors were loud as fuck. Niall turned his head towards the direction of the noise and searched for the source. I prayed, hoping he wouldn't notice, and began closing the door slowly.But it was too late, Niall caught sight of me and we made direct eye contact. His eyes widened and his mouth opened slightly.

"What is it?" Louis asked turning around to see what Niall was looking at but Niall stopped him before he could do so.

"Ah look at the time, we better go to bed early tonight. We've got lots of mourning to do in the morning!" He exclaimed, grabbing Louis' and Harry's hands and pulling them to their hotel room, I'm guessing. I winced at his poor choice of words.

"What the fuck?" Harry and Louis both said in unison and before Niall pushed them into the room.He then tapped Liam's shoulder and nodded towards my direction. Liam's eyes traveled towards me and I rushed into my room; slamming the door shut.

Well fuck.

A/N: Thank you soo much for all the attention the book has been getting. To others it may not seem a lot but it's a lot to me and I really appreciate it. Please, please comment on any parts that you find funny or interesting I would really love to engage with you all and please vote as well. Much love and stay safe,

noena11