Heart of Gold | B. Gold ✓

01 | Despite it All

Fawnie Shelby could not describe the pain she felt, in fact, it was less of an injury... and more of an aching. A yearning, a wish to a shooting star, a wanting. To go back and fix her mistake, to grab Esme then jump in front of her beloved brother. It was her fault, she knew that much. That he died, if she'd gotten in front of him instead of holding onto Esme for dear life... perhaps he'd be breathing right now.

Not being laid to rest in the field of vardos, awaiting the flames to set him free and into the sky. Where he can be with his mother, sister, and first love.

The ache burned at her chest, the internal wound throbbed with every breath. As if she couldn't feel the immense pressure on her heart without the reminder. Tears clouded her vision, making the bleak affair that much more disorienting. Fawn's cheeks were chapped and dry due to the cold air and her silent tears. 

Even if she tried, she couldn't stop crying. Her nose so stuffed to the point where she'd given up on trying to speak, not finding any use in it since anybody could tell she was injured. Even a blind man could hear her sniffles and either thinks she's got terrible winter allergies or she's been bawling her eyes out nonstop since she's come to. 

Although Fawnie witnessed the event firsthand, she felt as though she dreamt of it. From how muddled her memories were and how much she failed to register, it was like a firsthand account from a deaf mouse who could only speak in gibberish. 

Her family didn't know how to help her, Fawn's refusal to speak has only added to the burden of helping her through the troublesome time.

Her gloved hands shook, the bracelets on them creating a light clatter in the field. She tried to ignore the bodies around her, to pretend it was just her and him, embracing in a tight hug one last time before he told her it was alright, that it was okay to let go. But Fawnie couldn't, she couldn't just pretend like her family was.

Tommy moved to stand in front of the mass of people, all dressed in black. All hurt by the horrible loss, but none of them like Fawnie. 

John was the first person in the family to accept Fawn, the first one, despite her ancestry, to let her in completely and wholly. He was the one who showed her what it was like to be a Shelby. How to live, breathe, fight, and survive as a Shelby does.

"This is how John wanted to go." Tom's voice was its usual gravely tone, low and raspy despite how loud he spoke. "On the smoke. And the truth is... we died together once before." A few men looked at the ground mournfully, "Arthur, me, Danny Whizzbang," Jaws tensed, the remembrance of a lost soldier and comrade heavy on the group.

"Freddie Thorne," Ada tensed at the sound, "Jeremiah, and... John." It was Fawn's turn to react, but she surprised herself, she stood completely still upon hearing his name out loud since it happened. It may have been childish to cover her ears and pretend to not hear anyone, but it helped her. The ignoring help Fawn overlook the festering wound in her chest that gnawed at her insides like maggots in a trash bin.

The speech wasn't over yet, Fawn could tell there was more. She knew Tom well enough to know he was going to speak extensively. "We were cut off from the retreat... no bullets left, waiting for the Prussian cavalry to come and to finish us off." She could feel it, something was coming, the air felt thin and all Fawn wanted to do was rush into the vardo and will for John to wake up.

"And while we waited... Jeremiah said, 'We should sing, 'In the Bleak Midwinter.' But we were spared. The enemy never came. And we all agreed... that everything after that was extra. And when our time came... we'd all remember." 

Polly finally spoke up, visibly shaking, "You remember that God spared you." She shot daggers at Tom, "But what did you do with that extra time that he gave you, eh, Thomas?" He gritted his teeth and stared at the ground, not in shame, but in irritation at the fact that someone spoke up. 

The eldest Shelby, Arthur, stepped up to the vardo holding John's body and his memory. A match in his hand, ready to strike it before Fawn's voice rang out in the group, "Wait!" She bellowed, pushing past everyone to get to the front, Arthur spun on his heel, staring at his little sister with an anguished expression. Her cheeks were still red and she bit her lip harshly, "Let me do it, please." 

Her jaw shook as she held her hand out for the match and Arthur agreed with a nod, allowing her to take the match and matchbox, everyone waited for Fawn as she said her goodbye to John. She set her hand on the vardo and said something they always promised to one another, "Despite it all, I always had you." 

Then she stuck the match and tossed it onto the petrol drenched wood, collapsing to the ground as she did so. Polly and Finn rushed forward to pull Fawn away from the flames, once at a safe distance, Polly held the girl in her arms, allowing Fawn to sob freely without fear of being burned. 

She watched the flames with rage and grief, two polarizing emotions causing Fawnie to feel whiplash as she cried in front of everyone. At this point, it didn't matter if her reputation of being Tom's most similar sibling was tarnished. If the person who had always boosted her confidence was dead, then what was the point?

John Shelby was quite literally the light in her life, because despite everything her family went through, he was always there for her in the end. Always, cheering her on, wishing her the best, making her life better with each one of his smiles. Even with Finn as her honorary twin, John was her mentor and he made her feel loved.

When the sound of a gun firing reached Fawn's ears, she was sent back to the horrific scene again. Instead of a single shot, she heard a machine gun firing. Shot after shot after shot, each one further signing John's death certificate. "At ease! At ease." Although she heard Tom speaking, the sight of John dying before her eyes kept playing in her head.

Each time Esme yelled at her to phone an ambulance, it'd replay. The Italians pushing the hay bales out of the way before opening fire on her cousin and brother once more.

"Do not return fire. I repeat, do not return fire. Stand down." Fawn comprehended what Tom was saying and pulled her head off of the ground, where she previously covered it with her hands. Finn had an arm around her, tucking her into his side just in case. She just didn't understand why Tom was telling the men to put their weapons away.

"The men doing the firing are on our side. I took the trouble... of giving an invitation to Aberama Gold." 

Johnny Dogs sighed, "Ah fuck, now it's begun." If only Fawnie Shelby knew what the hell that meant before it all went further to shit.