Wordsmith Tavern [Closed]

S12 | Salome

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Author: s0urkid
Critic: myungjunjun

Note: Please finish your story first before you revise/edit with this feedback.

| BOOK COVER

The book cover is really good. Pleasing to the eye siya at hindi nakaka-overwhelm tingnan. I love the added details on the portrayer's face to give the impression of a Mystery book. Siguro ang maisa-suggest ko lang ay katulad doon sa isa mo pang book cover, i-darken mo nang kaunti parang doon sa Serpiente. But overall, it's cool. Nagmumukha nga lang siyang medyo Horror dahil sa motif ng cover. Bagay rin naman siguro dahil sa biglang dark side (?) ni Salome sa isang chapter.

| TITLE

Salome. The classic protagonist name na title. You can't go wrong with this because it works. Perfect siya sa story kung saan connceted si Salome sa mangyayari sa kuwento. 'Yong tipong mapapatanong ka: sino ba si Salome at anong mayroon sa kaniya? May comment pa ako rito pero sa baba ko sasabihin.

| BLURB

The blurb is compact and nice. Nasabi naman ang introduction sa protagonist na si Salome, background information sa plot, pati ang mangyayaring conflict/twist sa plot. Nice! Nakaka-hook naman siya, tapos may Mystery vibes na kaagad akong nakuhuha rito. But, mayroon lang akong ilang suggestions and concerns.

• Try nating i-break 'yong flow ng unang sentence para mas smooth ang pagri-relay ng information. Tuloy-tuloy kasi siya at mahaba ang sentence.

Yours: "Ever since she was little, Salome was hell-bent at finding her real dad but all her efforts only ended in vain."

Suggestion: "Ever since she was little, Salome was hell-bent at finding her real dad[;] [yet,] all her efforts only ended in vain."

• Let's look at these sentences: "...something peculiar happened. It has something to do with her dead mother hiding the scholarship offer given by Corvus University[.] [N]ot only that, she also found something else."

My comment: may parts na masyadong mysterious, tapos mayroong hindi na mysterious. Una, masyadong general and vague ang pagkaka-describe mo ng ibang mga mangyayari. This is a mystery story, but don't keep it too mysterious naman haha. We don't want the readers scratching their heads too much, 'yong wala na silang nage-gets. Oddly enough, naging less mysterious din 'yong unang sentence dahil direktang sinabi ang stakes. Kung ganitong path ang pipiliin mo, try to play with words na lang and make it creative. Add adjectives and other kinds of figurative speech.

Example: "Not only that, she also found something dark (?) and sinister (?) lurking behind the schools's ___."

And you get the point. It's up to you as the writer pa rin kung anong mga salita ang gagamitin mo. Basta parang ganiyan.

• Regarding your last two sentences, hindi raw recommended ang ganoong klase ng tanong sa blurb. According to Rayne Hall, "Then add a question to arouse the reader's curiosity about what will happen next. It's important to phrase this question so it's not an obvious yes or no."

Let's look at your cliifhanger questions: "Will it push her to accept the scholarship offer and to find the truth? Or will she decide to just bury her past and make peace with it?"

Of course, the answer is answerable by yes or no immediately. Try to put questions that will pique your reader's attention more, questions like "how, what, why?" Importante na ma-curious din ang mga mambabasa regarding sa story mo.