Wordsmith Tavern [Closed]

S6 | Out of the Sun's Shadow

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Author: dreeigned
Critic: enirose19

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Out of The Sun's Shadows Critique by Eni Rose

Note: 
I'm not an expert nor a professional. Just a writer like you, everyday learning. What I am implying in my critique are the knowledge that I learned from other writers and from my years of experience in writing.

| BOOK COVER

- It's simple and eye-catching and I can already tell that this is a romance story. 

| TITLE

- I didn't find the title connected to the story's plot. Consider it to change. Make it simple, unique and connected to the story.  

| BLURB 

- I don't think that Kore is in the shadows since she has friends and a loving mother. I will talk about that further under characterization. 

Add in your blurb who Kore was, which was the daughter of an Almeceda and the only heiress left to take over their well-known business which was azucarera and was also a seventh grader. Hades on the other hand, was five years older than her.

Add the conflicts in the story. Just the first conflict that will bring the two characters together. For example, the love letter, Kore's dream or the tutoring scene. That would catch your reader's attention and piqued their curiosity. 

Gusto ko 'yong last paragraph. Ang ganda sana no'ng meaning ng last phrases ng blurb kaso hindi naman siya na-highlight masyado sa story. So its either you change the blurb or don't forget to add this important detail in editing/finishing your book.   

| PROLOGUE

-Ang ganda ng pasok ng first scene mo. 'Yong nagsimula sa balcony kung saan pinapanood ni Kore ang sunrise. Sinalubong siya ni Cyane then she greeted her mother. You even gave descriptions to the two of them which was a kudos. 

However, I was confused at the part when she said in a poetic way that she has been meeting this man for a thousand years(?) So I assumed that this prologue was something from the future?

Pero noong nabasa ko 'yong part na "whoever my father was, he left this beautiful woman which was my mother." This gave me an idea that Kore didn't know that her father's dead. So that means, this happened in the present time.   

( By the way, I read this again after finishing the story kasi sa totoo lang, hindi ko nakuha ang prologue mo. ) 

This may be a bit underrated or you may not agree to this, but my suggestion is to make the scene from the future, the one when Hades and Kore meet again after eight years, and make it the prologue. You can also take advantage of the Hades and Persephone dream or incorporate the meaning behind the title of your story, which is the Out of the Sun's Shadows.   

Why did I think of that? Hmm . . . I think the gist of your story is about the romance and the fate between the two people. That no matter what the circumstances are, kung kayo at mahal ninyo ang isa't isa, anything is possible.   

So in that scenario when Hades meets up with Kore again, that already implies the message of the story and that will also make the readers curious about it. Of course, with the right execution and establishment of the idea of it.   

State it in your prologue that it has been eight years, then they graduated.   

Just the summarized part. No need to include the other supporting characters. Tell it in narrative writing. Then write about Kore's profession. Then one fateful day, she bumped into Hades. So ipasok mo na rito ang halo-halo nilang emotions kasi imagine, you meet up with someone again that you haven't seen for eight years, 'di ba? How would that feel if you were in Kore's shoes?
Again, just a suggestion. Ikaw pa rin ang may final say kasi story mo 'to.