Wordsmith Tavern [Closed]

S17 | I Can See Death

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Author: _ailuros
Critic: roweon

Note: I'm not an expert nor a professional. Just a writer like you, everyday learning.What I am implying in my critique are the knowledge that I learned from otherwriters and from my years of experience in writing. 

| BOOK COVER

I'm always into clean, clear and simple book covers. So in my opinion, I likeyour cover.

| TITLE

Title is unique, easy to remember, and suits the story.

| BLURB

Okay naman 'yong blurb mo kaso kulang. Here are my suggestions:

1) Include Allison's powers or ability to see the luck of the people.
2) Keep the sentence about the transferee and how it gave Allison theconflicts.
3) Add the conflicts. Like the mystery of the death of Ericka. And theaccident.
4) The last phrase didn't make sense to me. "Death isn't that bad afterall."?Who said that? The protagonist? Why? Is she a masochist who likeswitnessing people dying? Did she go to the afterlife then she saw thatpeople dying will actually bring them to heaven or somewhere thatmade them say that phrase? Clarify it in your story or just replace orremove it instead.

| PROLOGUE

Malinaw ang pagpapahiwatig ng Prologue mo as it tells about darkness andpossibly death. Relatable sa title and book cover, good job. Also, napapaisipako sa mga sinabi rito. Tulad no'ng sinabi na "takot ka ba sa dilim?" at 'yongsinabi rin na posibleng may mangyari na hindi maganda.

Kaso...ayun na 'yon. Hindi siya enough para makahugot ng readers. And afterI read the whole story (chapters 1-15), I think there are better ways for you tocreate a compelling and interesting prologue.

Three great prologues for this story. Suggestion lang.

1) How she really got her ability/powers. Pero 'wag masyado obvious butmake it compelling and make us pique our curiosity that will make usturn the next page of your story.
2) A scene from her past when she first discovered her powers.
3) A scene when she witnessed someone with bad luck and ended updying. Ericka would be a great choice since she has a big part in theplot plus she is also one of the conflicts in the story.

| PLOT

Gusto ko 'yong plot mo. Iyong nakakakita si Allison ng bad luck sa mga tao nasiya lang nakakakita. Kinda reminded me of a film/series (K-Drama yata) nanakakakita 'yong character ng timeline of death ng mga tao.

However, medyo gumulo na ang story mo from chapter 10-15. Dahil sanagdagdag ka ng characters at nag-iba ang series of events din. Naiba rin'yong timpla ng story mo. 

How to plan an effective plot?

Dahil sa napansin ko na parang kumalat 'yong story mo, feeling ko hindi panahasa masyado 'yong plot mo since hindi pa naman ito tapos plus wala kapa yata sa kalahati ng story. So I kinda understand na magulo pa 'yong storymo.

However, para hindi ka mahirapan mag-edit or magrevise in the future lalo nasa future stories mo, it is still BETTER to plan ahead—from the beginning upuntil the end.