Breathe Me

Chapter 8

Trigger warning, graphic description of self-harm. If easily triggered, please do not read!

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By the time I make it home, my legs crumple beneath me, as I shift back to my human form.

Nothing ever goes right anymore! Everything was going so good, until I went to that damn shopping centre.

Zayn knows who my dad is now, and he's more than likely going to tell Harry about our little spat earlier. Knowing how protective Harry is, I know he and Zayn will go after him. I know for sure that they will get hurt. I don't want that. Harry can't get hurt because of me. I will never forgive myself if anything happens to him.

To top it all off Gemma knows. Gemma knows everything. I can't believe I told her. How could I have been so stupid? She's most probably told Niall since I ran out without an explanation.

I feel guilty at his hurt expression as I ran from the house. But it's the only thing I know well enough to do. I always run from things, always too afraid to protect myself. But that's my stupid omega nature for you.

I hate it. I hate my life. I hate my dad. I hate my disgusting fat body. I hate how wiry my hair is. And I hate how petite and feminine my face is. I hate how curvy I am. I hate how weak I am. I hate how I always need someone to defend me.

Stumbling my way up the stairs, I go into my bathroom and pull open the draw roughly. Making it fall on the floor with a loud crash. I rummage my way through the contents on the floor till I find my beloved blade. I yank all my clothes off and stand in front of my body length mirror.

Why are there so many things wrong with me? My thighs are too fat and have hideous scars littering them. My arms which have flab hanging off them, instead of being muscly. Then there's the worse one. My stupid fucking tummy. I hate it. No matter what I do, it never goes away. I exercise yet it does nothing. I don't eat anything yet it does nothing.

Why can't I be skinny! What have I done wrong to deserve this? Why can't I just be normal?

As frustrating tears fill my eyes, I bring my blade to my hip and start carving in to my skin for the umpteenth time.

I whimper as my hip starts to sting, but I don't stop. I deserve this pain is all I can think about, as I slice the blade deeper into my skin. I watch in fascination as the crimson blood runs down my body.

Nobody will ever love me. I'm a pathetic excuse for an omega. I don't deserve to be alive. I don't deserve to have Harry, Niall, Liam, Zayn or my mum and sisters.

They all deserve someone so much better than me.

I wipe my eyes and clean the bathroom getting rid of the evidence. I pull on a large jumper and pyjama pants, hissing as they touch my tummy. This is what my life has become and I bloody hate it. 

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(Time skip, next morning in school)

I don't want to face anyone today. They all know some of my secrets and I'm scared. I turn my body and face the lockers as Niall and Liam walk past holding hands, not even noticing me as they go by.

I sag my shoulders in relief. How can I keep my distance from them if practically all of my classes are with Niall? I know he will ask questions and I'm not prepared to answer any of them.

Maybe I should just skip school today, I don't give a shit if I get caught. I pull the books I need out of my locker into my bag, shutting my locker. The bell rings signalling that first period has begun. With my head down gazing at the floor, I head for the front doors of the school and slip my way out being unseen by everyone.

I pull out my iPod and headphones and put them in. I don't know what to do anymore. My life just seems so pointless. I want to die but I want to live. I want to grow old happily with Harry and have lots of children who we can spoil. I want to go on dates and I want him to be gentle with me as we make love.

Wait what? Where has all this come from?

I don't like Harry in that way let alone love. Do I? I mean I can imagine a future with him but does that mean I have a crush on him?

It could explain a lot though, the reason why my stomach feels fluttery whenever I'm around him. No I can't have a crush on him. I made a promise to myself not to get attached. He'll leave you eventually remember that Louis my subconscious snarls at me. He's right, they all leave me at one point. I'm just going to be friends with him, that's it.

Even though it will break my heart to do so, I know it's for the best.