My first times

My first panic attack in public

2018. February 20.

  I've been thinking lately. What do we exactly remember from our lives? Most of my memories are fading, unclear, lost in an echo. Then what stays with us? What's left for us after we died?
   I might have the answer for that.
That small period when we realise that it's the end for us. Everything becomes the most beautiful thing ever, and the most horrifing toxic you can imagine ungraded. And these pile of memories vividly live in us, and never leave our side.
   Last time I wrote about favours, I didn't know at the time yet that today I'll need his presence more then ever. Why?
Because I remembered.
   It was late afternoon when my pair for the day decided to go to the nearest shop to grab something to eat. It was such a bad timing though.
Just after a few minutes one of the guests appeared at my desk with an angry expression on his face. He wasn't a charming man, either was his style of communicating.
- Excuse me, can I have your attention? - he demanded.
- Of course, Sir. What can I do for you?
- Could you explain what the fuck has happened to my room?
- I'm sure, I can help you. There's no need to swear or speak any louder than usual. -I tried to smile.
- I do what I want! And you better do your job!
- I'll do my best.
I hurried into his room and yeah, I immediatly understood his problem.
- I didn't pay you to come back to this mess!
- I'm sorry. We can wash and dry your clothes if you wish. I'll change your sheets myself.
- Yeah-yeah. That's nice from you but I want to wear those clothes. Now!
- I think that's impossible, Sir.
- and whose fault is that? I didn't fucking pay for this! - I frozed. This sentence. I heard it before. Oh no... I had to hold onto my blouse's sleeve. I felt the world was spinning aroud me. - You're dumb or what? I said whose fault is that milkshake is spilt all over my bed?!
- I'm sorry. - I whispered.
- Unbelieveble! I didn't fucking pay for this!
I didn't fucking pay for this...
I didn't fucking pay for this...
I didn't fucking pay for this...
- I didn't pay any for what you've done to me. You said you'll help me. - he roared with laughter next to my ear. I didn't see him. - and then...you said you'll save the world. Protect the living. Well, you can't even save your only child now, can you?
I have to focus, I'm in the hotel. A guest's staring at me. I have to respond. Respond, Hannah!
- So what would you like me to do?
- God damnit! You don't know what's your job? How ridiculous is that? I'm going to find an other place to stay. - he said stirnly.
- Please don't do this. - I followed him but as I heard myself my eyes widened.
- Please, don't do this. She's innocent. - my mother was begging, and crying, screaming.
- Please, stop! Please, don't do this. Don't do this. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Please.... - it's my voice melding with my mother's in my head. The man went numb in front of me when I started shaking and then everything else did too. The room formed into my parent's living room. There was a big christmas tree in the right corner, I was hold tightly.
No-no. Nononono. I'm here, I'm at the hotel! I have to focus. Focus, girl! - I heard my ballett teacher's voice. - Nice spin!
Shit...
- I want a refund. - the man told me. Oh, no. I'm losing it.
Redund, refund. It's my refund, bitch! My heartbeat fastened, I'm switching into the past. He's here. My parents face trembling in disbelief.
- And now, you'll pay back. It's my refund. - he said, he was so close. I felt his breathe. I fliched in disgust.
Please, don't do this. Please...
I felt his bite, I was there again. The pain was unbareable. A scream slipped through my mouth and I couldn't take it anymore. I saw my blood everyehere. I'm going to die.
- Hannah! - I gasped.
- Wh...whe...where am I? 
- at the hostel, where could you be? Are you alright? What happened?
The man was still standing nearby and he walked up to my colleage. I felt exhausted. Still shaking, and tears piling up in my eyes. I screwed up.
- Hannah. Who can I call for you?
- No one, I'm fine.
- No, you're not. You have to go home.
- Please don't. - I shook my head.
- I won't tell anyone, but you have to go home. So who can I call?
I pulled out my phone and showed Kazimier's number. After a half of an hour, somebody rang the bell and then Nora let him in.
I looked up to him
- Don't give me that look.
- What look?
- You have that same lost expression as when...you know - he fell into silence awkwardly at the thought of the night after I...I visited the church.
- I know... - and tears were falling from my eyes again.
- Hannah. - he stepped forward. - look at me!
He pinned my jaw and gently lifted up my face.
- Look at me. I'm not judging you. I'm here to help.
- B-but...
- Shh.
He let go of me then embraced me in his tight hug.
- I'm sorry. I'm such a baby.
- Hey, you promised me that you won't fucking apologise to me. Remember?
- Yeah - I chucled - right then...
- Say it.
- Say what?
- Just say it. - I could feel his breath against my ear, wanted to feel his heartbeat beneath my hands. His touch was more than relaxing. Like his presence offered me a whole new universe to explore including myself. My desires changed next to him.
- Then fuck it.
We laughed and the horrible feeling was gone by the time.
- You have a lot on your mind, don't you?
- I guess...
- You should take a break, losen up a bit.
- But how?
- Are you up to bad ass party?
- Is this an invitation?
- Yeah. Kind of. You can take it as if it is one.
- Alright. Thanks. - I smiled.
- Look at me. - he asked one more time before we left. - If  you cry too much you're going to be  wrinkled old lady, you know that?
I wish, I could be a wrinkled old lady once.
- You're not funny.
- But you're smiling. And that's what I solely care about.
Solely he said. Solely. Am I his sole care? Because I'm so disfuntional that he has no time to care about anything else but a dead girl? How depressing it could be and how disgraceful I am if even the thought how sparkling and joyful it made me.