My first times

Saying I love you

2018. May 14.

Dear, Hanna!
I'm sorry that I read your diary without asking for your permission, but I found it when I was tiding the apartment after...you know, what happened.

It helped me realise how huge the mistake I made is and I want to show you how serious my affection is towards you with a little story.

Remember the night when you went out with Nora and I went to watch a match with my mates? Well, that night Nora brought you home, like totally drunk. We put you in bed and I stayed for a while until I made sure that you're sleeping.

Yeah...there you surprised me with a confession. Out of nowhere you asked: do you know what's the problem with humanity?
At this rate I was expecting a rather dumb answer to that philosophical question but you proved me wrong.

- We love too much. And hate too much. - you said, looking up to me with your sad eyes, and I was shocked. - We kill ourselves and each other with this love, thus we constantly dying. Until we realize what's upon us. What's beyond us. Until we get a glimps of God And we can't run away of this sin. We can't be helped and can't be not loved. We can't live in the Nothing. Altough I was there. Where's...
No emotion
No thoughts
Nothing
I was there, just right after our death and just right before our birth. Before every change, when we become somehow different. And life is a constant change. A constant change of dying. Of suffer of our own love and emotion. I craved the Nothing once. And now I want to live. Because through every change. With every second and every tiny bit of pain I can feel the Nothing. Where's nothing more than the universe in it's purest self. For a moment you can see through time, you can be upon yourself. Even though I am ageless, I experience time in the most cruel way that there is. But I want to live, because my love for you changes me constantly and I'm dying constantly because of my doubts, my hopes, my admire. Through you I can experience something more then us, something that's exsisting in us, in a way that nothing else does.

I couldn't freaking say a word, and you seemed like you were waiting for a response. But afterwards your words stuck with me and kept repeating in my head to understand it more. To understand you more. After like one or two minutes you asked again:
- Does that mean I love you?
I wanted stop you right there because I never imagined this conversation going this way.
- You are speaking rubbish.
- Rabbit?
- No, I said rubbi...you know what? Forget it.
- Rabbits are the cutest animals.

By the way that was a new information.

- Yeah, sure. Can you say that again?Your question before the rabbit.

I was giving up on my morals, I admit. I really wanted you to just say it again with your beautiful voice.

- If I love you?
- Yeah.
- I love you.
- Fuck. What are you doing to me?
- And you? Can you say that to me?
- Once, when you're more sober. I won't just go around saying this.
- That's not fair, you're just as wasted as I am.
- Let's not universalizing things, okay? - You're a mean rabbit, Kazimier...
- And you're a drunk. Again. Weren't you the one who said I'm not gonna drink ever again?
- But Nora bought the drinks! I couldn't refuse her!
- Just pass out already, I know you will.

And now here I am, begging for your mercy. We both made mistakes but I want to fix it with you. I hope you forgive me, and I can say those three words to you. Call me, if you made up your mind.
With all the love from the bottom of my heart,
Kazimier