My first times

The first time Kaz told me a secret

2018. April 6.

The street annoyed me. The people, the noises. My tears were annoying, my incapabality of breathing properly, not that I needed air filling my lungs. Altough my mind convinced me about the reality of the danger I've experienced multiple times, I knew it wasn't real. I just couldn't snap out of it and I knew as well, the job which was to get me out of this state required someone. Someone called Kazimier.

I grabbed my phone, dialed his number and waited for him to pick up. He didn't hear it for the first time, but I was so emotionally instable that I almost started to freak out.
- Hannah? - he finally picked it up! - What's up?
- Hey...erm, did you-did you finish already?
- Oh yeah, I'm going home. Why do you ask?
- Just...do you wanna hang out, do-do something?
- Aah, sure. Why not? Where are you?
- Near by Kálvin. Right at the metro station.
- Got it, thanks. Erm, Hannah? Is everything alright?
- Yes! Why do you even ask?
- Just your voice...
- I'm fine! Bye!
And I hang up.

I only had to wait about ten minutes for him to appear. I tried my best to act, and speak like nothing really happened, and I saw in his eyes he was still suspicious, but he let it go. We decided to grab some food and luckily he was talkative today, so I let him speak about a bunch of random stuff we didn't get to have a conversation about yet. When we finished our meals it was already kinda late,  and since Kazimier had a delightful day suggested to buy some drinks and have a walk in the cool, vernal air.

As we were walking down the street, from lamppost to lamppost, from one hazy light to another hazy light, which would show our smiles and laughters to the sky. But suddenly Kazmier stopped. We were just between the lights. Before our birth and after our death. Where there's nothing.

He waited for a second before he stepped forward and asked me a strange quetion. Looking back, I think that was the moment when he actually decided to tell the real story of Elias.

- Hannah... do you really belive in God?
- Of course.  But I had to die for that.
- Die?
- Yeah, kind of. In a...in a spiritual way I guess or something.
- What happened?
- My family was ruined and it crashed me.
- How does that help you to gain more faith then before?
- Because after that I had to reborn. Maybe I'm still learning how should I exactly live. What drives me to be alive. Don't you think that's strange?
- What?
- Jesus died to save us, but it didn't mean he was able to have our faith. I had to die to understand what belief means. And there are others, for those just one death, selfdeath, isn't enough.
- So you think to belive people have to die?
- No, not exactly. But there are some who certainly has to. And...what do you believe?
- When...when my friend passed away from the ballett school I held so much anger and regret. For me it didn't help to have faith in literally anything than hatred and loath. If it weren't for Priest Joseph...like... I started to do drugs and so, I just wanted to forget. It certainly wasn't the best of me but you know... -  he stopped here. He seemed like he wasn't sure if it's a good idea to continue, but I waited patiently until he made up his mind - it wasn't strange that he died, the strangest thing was that the day before, he told me it would happen. I just...I just couldn't believe it.
- Why?
- What he was telling me...about people who wanted his blood, who had fangs and he said they believed they were immortal. He said he was serious but for me... What could have I done to stop them if his tales really were true? What could have been done? - He shook his had, fighting off all the things which always come when you feel down. They always come to chase you, but then he shut his eyes and spoke again. -  It was all madness. I was the only one who knew about this. Our former classmates, they still don't have a clue about it. They wouldn't believe it anyway. I didn't either, so what's the point, right?

And I just realized that Kazimier and Priest Joseph were talking about the same Elias. Murdered by vampires.

- Hannah? Did I scare you?

I shook my head, and I felt angry, because the first thing I thought about was that I could never tell him what I am exactly. I cannot tell him that a vampire tries to kill me again, and I'm working for a organizazion who hunts down vampires even though I'm one of them. I felt suddenly terribly alone. I felt I lost something I never really had, but the opportunity is gone and what can I hope for now? Probably nothing...

- I'm sorry. It's just so sad. - I cried.
- I know. - he said, his voice's almost ice cold. He drank the last sips of his beer. - Hannah, can you do something for me?
He looked at me, his eyes were swirling in sadness. He wasn't sober either.
- Yeah, sure.
- Can you kiss me? - he asked.

I felt shocked and didn't know how to react but as he watched my reaction his head lowered and I could sense the immediat regret.
- I'm sorry. Say, it didn't happen at all! I'm...
Hope! This was something what I never hoped for and I didn't want to let this go. So my fingers stroked his face, Kaz looked up slightly. I smiled at him, and then our lips collided.