2018. May 7.
To be honest this is really hard to admit...
Everything's been so hard, even though Kazimier tries to support me but all the lies that lines between us makes me sick. Every hug and every kiss, laughter just seems false. It's aching inside. This feeling that I cheat him by withholding the truth about my brother, about who I am. And with Nora and Simon, it's the same.
Also I got paranoic more than ever. Before our first visit I texted Max about this vampire who could be dangerous and ever since he asks if I saw it or know anything but my constant denial puts me in a suspecious frame. I'm frightend that he might not believe me and send some of the hunters after me to find out and I'm afraid if I happen to meet with...with him, then it's really going to be the end for me. However there's no way to let him hunt down. There's no way I'm going to sentence my brother to death.
Well, everything on my shoulders Nora dumped his boyfriend and decided to go clubbing with me. Kazimier doesn't really care because he has a lot of night shifts lately. And for a reason trusts me with all his heart.
Nevertheless it seemed good at first. Something that takes my mind off the worrying facts but maybe it was too effective. Nora is just way too attractive to not get asked out to dance which means I'm all alone for awkwardly long period, drinking a cocktail and from time to time men came up to me but I refused them until that one insident. That one particular case.
Something changed in me.
The unbearable lack of the comfort Kazimier presented me or I couldn't accept, all the helpless feeling.
I felt helpless.
Powerless.
Holding my drink waiting. Always waiting, fearing something. Then I looked up to this man and it was shivering. I watched his neck, his jaw clenched, his black eyes. I was hungry. And I drank from him.
But it was only one time, I was saying to decieve my senses. Just for once and I was kind of gentle if that matters.
As the time went on Nora and I started to make a habit out of this. And I craved human blood more and more. Drinking from their veins, drinking their life. I wanted to hurt people because when you hurt one you have power over them. You are fully at your potential animalistic self. Sometimes I bit them on their lips, and they didn't even complain. They said I was sexy and they disgusted me. I didn't think I cheated on Kazimier. I didn't do this out of love or for attention. I only wanted to be in control over at least something.
I cheated on life. Humanity. I lost something from myself, I lost even track of what I'm losing with each time.
I'm scared that I'll become my brother. Craving for comfort and try to take it by violence, to own what you can't by yourself. Total destruction. I'm scared and I know I have to speak to someone.
Maybe today I'll talk to Nora. I won't tell her the truth but rather that there's something wrong with me.
Yes.
It's time to make a promise to myself.
It's time to wake up.
YOU ARE READING
My first times
Vampire- So? - I whispered in his ears and I could smell his scent. - What? - Do you feel yourself in danger? - I don't see why should I - he said leaning even closer so that I could feel his breathe, moreover I could touch his pulsing vein, the life r...
