My first times

The End

I decided that I end this diary here. My reasons are simple but meaningful. Until this point I only wrote about the firsts I experienced but are there first times in our lives?

Even if we act or do the same everyday, it can't be perfectly unchanged. Our environment and our souls are constantly changing and continuously in interaction with each other.

First times are for the dead.

I want to believe that my brother was right. I have faith in that he saved me, and I hope his sacrifice saved him too. Now there's nothing that could stop me from living.

However I want to close this long and painful journey I had properly.
I called Kazimier after two days of my brother's  death. In the phone Kazimier sounded extremely worried, and tired as he didn't have any sleep in days: Hannah?

- It's me.
- Oh my God...where are you?
- You thought he...
- Please, just tell me where you are!

I told him. He didn't hang up, because he was afraid I would hurt myself or someone else. He was a true hero that day. I could hear how upset he was, because as I leared later, his mind was all about what ifs, but mainly what if my brother could finish what he started.

At the time I was still hiding in the tunnel, waiting for him. When I noticed Kazimier's pale face I stand up but for some reason I couldn't move an inch towards him. Soon his gaze found me too. He hurried to me but before he would touch me, he stopped.

Like time would slow down for us, or we were trapped in that moment. His fingers were timid, as they brushed my face, my shoulders and back. Then he pulled me into a tight hug.

I think he cried. I would have cried too but the fact that he was there in that moment was everything to me. The fact that he touched me, it meant it's real and maybe but just slightly maybe I got a third chance to live. After a while he took a step back and asked:
- Are you alright?
I nodded.
- Do you wanna go?
- Yes. - I said.

He led me to the car he borrowed. The breeze was calming on the way home. We didn't speak much, only when I did.

- Do you think he is in Heaven?
- Do you want him to be there?
- Yes.
- Then I hope so. - he answered.

I rested my head on his shoulders. Our hands interwound.

- Aren't you angry at me?
- You broke my heart twice. The second time was when you ran off with him. I realised then, I never stopped loving you. And I never will.
- Me neither. I promise.
- I wouldn't give my word for that if I were you.
- Why?
- Because you have an eternity to keep that promise.
- You're mean. I just...tried to express my feelings.
- Does that qualify me as a rabbit again?
- If you ask like that, then yes!

He laughed and I couldn't hide my smile, but either my tears. They started to running down on my cheeks, and my chest was trembling because I laughed, and because I sobbed.

It wasn't my first joke, and it won't be the last. Everything was so vivid, colourful, had a smell, a feeling to it. Everything came alive with me. Everything was me and I was everything.

Inside out.

The world seemed like a blooming flower, but it felt painful. It hurt.
Then I murmured into his shoulders those secret words, just right at the beginning of the birth of my world:
- I love you.