My first times

My first dance class

2018. March 29.

Where do I even start? This day was pure joy! Just if I think about Simon's dance class to which he invited me. It took him quite long to convience me but we both agree on that it worthed it afterall.

At first I was anxious, because of the strangers who might judge me or I don't know... you know, before my death, I wanted to be judged. I wanted to be measured and I wanted more and more goals to achieve. Nothing seemed impossible, regardless how much work I put into it. The only thing which mattered was success.
Now I want to hide, want to be safe.

So when I entered the class, I felt eyes on me all the time but as soon as we started the basic stands I relaxed and my body took over the control but not in a bad way.

After a good hour of work Simon let us finally go.
- Good job! That was all for today, everybody! I hope you had fun, and see you next week! Bye!
I saw, Simon spoking to some of his students while I was packing.
- Hey! Nice to see you here, Hannah! - a strangely familiar voice  uttered to me which seemed like out of nowhere.
- Kazimier! - I turned around a bit shocked, like he caught me at fault. - What are you doing here?
- Simon has something for me. I guess we can head home together, or did you plan anything for the night?
- Oh no! I'm already too tired.
- Kazimier! You don't know what you've missed. - Simon came up to us -  Hannah is such a great talent.
- I actually didn't miss a thing. I saw her. - he looked at me and I almost couldn't believe my eyes. His eyes were sparkling and somehow amazed.
- Guys, stop it! It was just practice anyway.
-  Hell of a pracrice! You were incredible!
- He's right, Hannah.
- Well, thanks Simon for the class. I enjoyed myself so much.
- Next week?
- Maybe. - I chuckled.

Kaz asked me to wait for him and disappeared with Simon for a few minutes. When he came back he was alone.
- So - he spoke up - whats the deal with you and Simon? I couldn't get a word out of him.
- We are friends.- I shrugged, and we started walking towards the closest bus station in the chilly night. It's such a pity that the starks cannot be seen in the city. However they always make me wander back in time where I first met with Priest Joseph.
-Just friends? - he asked kind of doubting that it could be true.
-Yeah.
- But didn't he take you out on a date?
- He did, indeed, but I rejected him.
- Why?
- Uh. He figured it out with the time being. - I looked away in embarrasment.
- What?
- That I might like someone else. - I whispered. The streets seemed so calm, a bit freezing, however I felt I was burning up, as my heart was racing faster in my chest. How is that even supposed to work?! I'm already freaking dead, am I not?
- What? Who? I mean do you even know anybody else here?
- That's rude but I wish it to be true.
- Wait, is he...would he hurt you?
- No! I mean...no! I'm not in danger, okay? You're all acting like a big brother I've never had!

In fact, the person I was thinking about was Max and those hunters. Sometimes I felt paranoid although Max confirmed that no one will hurt me if I cooperate.

- Well that's not my intention. - he answered sheepishly.
- Then what is your intention?
- Let's save it for later. By the way, do you have siblings?
- That was lame, Kaz. But no. I'm an only child. You?
- Yeah, I have a younger brother. But he's not really fond of me. He thinks I'm bossy or so.
- You've never been bossy with me.
- Oh come on! Who would be bossy with you? You do like way more then necessery without asking.
- Thanks...I guess. Oh, finally it's the bus!

We got on, and luckily find some spare place to sit but actually I hate speaking on the bus, because it's too noisy, so I asked him wether he wanted to listen to music with me. I said he could choose from my list and eventually we didn't really listened to the music at all because he made some remarks on my taste of music.

- You have so many classical songs here. Tchaikovsky, Mozart, Wagner! Why?
- I had been learning ballett since I was five. I got use to it. It gives me chills.
- Since you were five? That explains a lot of things I witnessed today. Why did you quit?
- Uh...some-somethings got in the way so I wasn't able to continue. a
And what about your friends? They all students of the National Ballett. How did you meet them? Were you one of their group?
- Yeah. Long time ago.
- Why did you quit?
- Uh... - he said with the same tone and we looked at each other smiling - the group was nice, but someone whom I was really close to left it. Died. We've talked about this, remember? - I nodded. - As a child, I coudn't handle that. Since then I never thought about starting it again. But when I saw you dance today! Somehow it looked different. Like beyond life or death. Beyond us.
- Transcendence?
- Yes. Somewhat magical really.
Magical. Illusion?
- You don't know how good that feels. It's a compliment I have never even whished for.
- But it's true. I think one day, I would start it again because of you.  Because...cause when he died I wanted to be as far as I was capable of. His memory was always with me, it felt suffocating because I thought about him all day long. But life moved on and everything was fading away and when I looked at you. The memories... all came back. But not necesserily the sad part. The good and funny and the painful. All of it. If I start again maybe his memory will be with me not just subconsciously. 
- I am kind of happy to hear that. - I smiled, and I felt this is my greatest achievment so far. -  Hey, erm, can I have a question?
- Yeah, sure.
- Can I sleep on your shoulder? I mean...I got sleepy because of the dance lesson and if I lean to the  window...
- Don't even ask. It's okay.
- Thanks. 

He got his arms around my waist, pulled me closer to him which caught me off guard and I could see how much he enjoyed that.  Then he pretended to play the piano, while one of Mozart's  piano concertos was on.

- Stop it! Hey! You making fun of him! Poor Mozart! Stop it!
- Make me. - he said with a wild grin on his face. This man...unbelievable! 
- Well, you know how dangerous I am.
- Yeah, last time you literally ran away from me.
- No, I said I didn't. But are you still angry at me?
- What? No, I said I wasn't angry, just worried.
- You worry too much about me.
- I feel.... You... So, let me start again. I feel like you are...fuck! You seem like a sister to me. How could I not worry?
- Thank you.  - I laughed on his shoulder fighting with the sleepiness. Since the date, Nora is always asking me about how is it going with Kazimier but now... He's just told me he sees me as a sister. I don't know what to tell her. Although if everyday was like this one, I wouldn't complain for a second.