The Black Swan | Reposted

Chapter 73 - Harry and Odette

Life keeps turning even when you're frozen in place.

Even when you're in the dark and feel empty, the sun still has to shine, and people will still smile and laugh although you can't even fathom why. The world isn't put on hold, not for me, not for anyone.

Christmas came and went, it was lonely and empty. It was free of holiday cheer, no lights or tree to decorate and of course, not a soul to kiss under the mistletoe. I didn't want company in truth, not in the state I was in. It didn't feel like a state of life, it was so hazy, awful.

It was now mid-January, and I had gone through drastic change. I moved out with the help of Liam to cut ties and start clean. I was beginning to prep for my new tour in the spring, and I kept trying to heal from the loss of my mother and my actions. I frequently visited my mothers office until it was finally packed up, and I couldn't smell her anymore. The loss of her physically hurt but it was something I was familiar with, death had touched my life before but never in such a traumatic way.

There was a time when I hadn't heard from Harry. Half me wanted to, half of me wanted to hear him and feel his presence around me. I missed him. It was so simple. It was also confusing, how can you miss someone who wanted to fuck with your life?

I think I forgave him. If the roles were reversed, and it had been my mother that was shot, I could see myself obsessing. I don't know if I would have taken it as far, gotten as physical as he had and so manipulative but surely I would have been obsessive. When a mind is broken I think it can overtake the heart, and blind it from knowing right from wrong.

I would randomly think of him, thinking of what he might be doing, if he was already with other girls. Did he ever really care about me like I felt? I truly think something was there.

Then came the day at the very end of December, when I ran into him.

I had gone to the studio and I just danced. I remember feeling so happy, so whole and connected to myself. I hadn't done that in so long, I hadn't felt good about myself or the world. I hadn't smiled or laughed since I buried her, since I found out who Harry was. It was a good feeling to learn how... resilient I was.

I was so fucking proud of myself and that I was still breathing after all of this.

I had been packing up when I saw him walk by the studio. My heart leaped in my throat. The magnetism Harry always carried pulled me right to him as I bundled my clothes up, seeing him moving slowly. His face had more or less healed, faint marks left a few reminders.

"Were you watching me?" he only nodded, staring at the ground. "Why are you here? How did you know I was here?"

"I didn't, I had a meeting with Vincent, and then when I was walking back I saw you. You looked like you were having fun." I nodded with a faint smile. "Not stressing about dance?"

"I'm not."

"Good."

"Your face looks a little better." I spoke.

"Still fucked up." He chuckled.

"How are the ribs?"

"It's all slowly working together again." I nodded, this time, silence was awkward. "Did you love me Odette?"

I blinked at the random question. "You know I did. You couldn't have been that stupid. You even heard me say it."

"I knew you did for a while... didn't believe it though, didn't want to."

"Why not?"

"I don't know, it would have made me feel something I guess, plus, the guilt I felt for what I had set out to do to you got magnified."