Fools Fall

28- Noah

Warning: This chapter deals with suicide

Noah

I stayed in my bedroom, hating myself as Sam screamed that he hated me for all good reason and I felt like dying. That would be easier, wouldn't it? Not being in this fucked up world just to fuck up other people's lives? Just one handful of pills and I'd be set.

Sam was right, I couldn't handle any hardship, my emotions get too heightened and out of control, it was overwhelming. Everything was too much, I felt as though I was suffocating, drowning in the unseen waves of emotions crashing over me again and again. Every time I go to catch my breath, another wave would hit me.

I was pacing back and forth in my room, taking deep breaths. I just needed space between us, but I didn't mean to break up with him, my mind was too overstimulated to think. Each time Sam shouted at me, I wanted to open the door and pull him into a hug, but when I reached for the door, that was when he yelled that he hated me and I backed away. I knew he didn't mean it, he was only lashing out, but he should hate me. It would make things easier; I wouldn't feel guilty or selfish about offing myself.

When I heard the door slam shut, I screamed all types of curse words aimed at myself and the universe, swiping shit off my dresser in my fit of frustration.

My mind was black scribbles and all I could hear was white noise as I stormed out of my room, across the hall into the bathroom. Opening the mirror door that stored all the medicine, I grabbed the Tylenol bottle. The only thing on my mind as I dumped the bottle into the palm of my hand was; Sam is better off. He'd be happy. That's all I wanted. And I was too fucked up to give him that.

My shaking hands pissed me off more as I brought my hand up and-

I was yanked back, the pills dropping from my palm. "What the hell do you think you're doing?!" Ciera yelled, turning me around and taking my wrist in her hands.

Ciera was surprisingly strong for being her petite size, so when I tried to shove her away and break free, she held on. "What the fuck does it look like I'm doing?" I tried pushing her, too blinded by my emotions to comprehend my actions, but somehow we ended up sitting on the bathroom floor.

"How could you be so stupid?" Ciera hissed, but her expression was filled with worry.

"She came back and- and he knew this whole time," I sputtered out and that was when I realized I was crying. Sobbing, actually.

"Who came back?"

"My mom, and Sam knew! He- he fucking talked to her and didn't say shit to me. How fucked up is that? I don't want to see her and I don't want to see him." That was partly a lie; I wished Sam was there with me in that moment and not Ciera. Though, after the fact, I was very grateful Ciera got there when she did. But I didn't feel grateful then because Ciera was preventing me from the repugnant action that I believed, religiously, would be the only way to fix everything. "It hurts so much. Everything hurts and it won't go away!" I yelled and pounded my head with my hands continuously.

"Hey, hey, stop," Ciera rushed out her demands as she grabbed my wrists and this time she didn't let go.

"It hurts so fucking much, I don't want them here."

"Sam and your mom are not here. Just you and me, okay?" I didn't respond and we sat there for a bit as Ciera tried calming me down. "Why don't we get out of this bathroom and maybe..." Ciera looked panicked as she thought, but kept calm in her tone, "Have you eaten?" She stood up, still holding onto me so I'd stand up as well, and guided us into my living room. "You sit on the couch and I'll make us food, okay?"

I sat on the couch feeling numb but also... odd. I tried killing myself and now Ciera's making me lunch? I took deep, but shaky breaths before realization settled in. The white noise seemed to turn down and the scribbles in my head untangled just enough. Guilt and embarrassment are the emotions that came to the surface.

My head fell into my hands, my elbows on my knees keeping me steady, and I breathed in and out rhythmically until my heart rate eased.

Looking up at Ciera, she had a black, plastic spoon in a pot, stirring. "That was stupid," I said because what the fuck do you say after a suicide attempt?

"Yeah, that was." Ciera didn't speak anything more while she cooked us food and I stared at my phone, thinking about calling Sam. I tossed my phone onto the coffee table and stood up.

In the kitchen, Ciera added butter, milk, and a cheese packet into a pot of hot noddles that were strained of water. Mac and Cheese. "What were you even doing here?" I asked instead of thanking her for all she had done.

"I was coming to check in on you. You didn't show up yesterday and Jude told me your birthday was a triggering day for you." She looked away from the pot and at me, "He didn't explain further than that," she assured me. "Bowls?"

I reached up into the cabinet behind her and grabbed us two bowls. I handed them to her and she continued as she gave each of us spoonfuls of the classic cheesy noodles. "And when I got here, I saw Sam leaving in a sobbing mess, he didn't even notice me. Your door was unlocked, so I just came in and heard you... ya' know, being upset and then... yeah," she explained then held a bowl out to me. I took it.

"Thank you," I murmured as we took our seats. "Not just for the food."

"I know. And I also know that you are not in the right mindset to be alone, so I will be staying with you, on your couch until I feel you at fit to live alone or when you kick me out," Ciera spoke seriously, like there was no debate as she ate her food without looking at me. "And if you want to tell me why you had a handful of pills in your hand, I'm all ears. Or we can sit in silence."

We sat in silence. Ciera stayed the entire day just sitting on my couch and watching tv, or mindlessly on her phone, or making food. She even took care of the pill spill in the bathroom. It was oddly comforting; her silence and her presence.

While Ciera did whatever, I stayed on the couch all day (besides when I went to the bathroom to which Ciera demanded I leave the door unlocked and threatened to barge in if I took longer than two minutes). Around eleven pm when I stood up and Ciera broke the silence, "Where are you going?"

I ignored her, feeling her gaze on my head as I walked down the hall and into my room. I grabbed my comforter and went back to the couch. I sat next to Ciera and plopped the blanket over us. Ciera had put on the movie, Mean Girls.

"Thank you for staying here," I didn't look at her as I talked, feeling too guilty and ashamed for what she walked in on. "But you don't have to."

"My brother," Ciera started slow and thoughtful, "He attempted... suicide," that got me to face her. "I stopped him in time," she took a deep breath. "Two weeks later he tried again and succeeded," Ciera swallowed and looked at me, her eyes watery, but she held herself together like she always did. "Statistically, if you try once, you'll try again, so I'm going to stay here, or I'm going to send your stupid ass to a hospital. You choose."

Ciera stayed the night.

**

Noah Wright is probably the only character of mine that resembles me the most. I struggle daily with my anger issues and that anger sometimes leads to bad judgment, but I'm grateful for all the people I have in my life who support me and love me.
I hope you have someone to support you through hard times and you can always talk to me.

National Suicide Prevention Hotline:
800-273-8255

-Bert