Brute

49. Max

That morning had been eventful to say the least, she had left in such a hurry but he was relieved she was back home, safe, and surrounded by people that loved her. Max wanted to give her space, he didn't want to rush her into giving him answers, but then the fact he never got to ask her his question bothered him.

"I don't know why I tried to act cool. That was such a lame thing for me to do." He sighed clutching the pillow tighter.

"What exactly happened?" The therapist asked.

Meditating and yoga wasn't cutting it for Max anymore, after lots of research and reading he had finally decided he wanted to see a therapist. There was a lot on his mind that he needed an outlet for, someone to help him unravel and unpack all that with was essential for him. He had finally found a therapist in town, she wasn't too pushy nor was she too cold. Sessions with her made him feel more at ease, she always knew exactly what to say and what direction to guide his mind to.

Max wanted to start with the ugly parts of his childhood, but he realised his mind had more recent fog to clear up. He needed to know if he was okay or actually losing his mind with how much he thought about Kalki. It took two sessions of his therapist reassuring him that he was in fact infatuated, not insane.

"I told her I was only attracted to her physically which is a lie. I also feel like that's a very demeaning thing to say to someone."

"Why did you say that to her if it wasn't the truth?"

"Because my actual feelings are very cringe." He frowned.

"What are your actual feelings?" She smiled looking down at her notepad.

"Don't take notes of my words right now, just thinking what I'm about to say is making me sick."

"That's the problem. You have a very strong sense of denial, you don't need to deny feelings towards her. They're completely normal, and you can be honest to me."

"I struggle with vulnerability. It makes me feel unreasonably weak, I don't know why it just feels like the worst form of humiliation to me."

"Being vulnerable is the opposite of being weak. It's an act of courage honestly, to be completely truthful about what's going on in your mind."

"I'll be brave then." He took a deep breath.

"Go for it!"

To be completely honest, I don't think I've ever really hated Kalki. At first it was admiration, she was definitely as good of a driver I wished I was.

For some reason, making fun of her was much easier than to tell her I admire her, I admire her for not being intimidated, I admire her for how quick she was, how hardworking she was and how determined she was.

I've always been jealous of her, while I lived my life in darkness she got to shine in the light. The light of love from her family, her friends- no one resented her for deciding she didn't want to race karts anymore, no one hated her for having a bad race. The love she received was never conditional, it was always there for her.

She's the sort of person people write poems about, beauty that people can't compare to, intelligence no one can challenge and a heart of gold.

She's extremely ambitious and I love that about her, and I hate that I'm the reason it's all falling apart. I do not have any right to come in the way of her and her dreams, but at the same time I can't do much about it and it drives me insane. I don't want her to suffer.

Even though she acts all tough, I've seen what she's like when she puts away the armour. She's only a dreamy eyed girl with so much love to give to those who love her.

I've seen how kind she is, how full of love she is, how much she believes in goodness, I've seen what lengths she goes to for her loved ones. I want her to be who she truly is, I don't want her to worry about things, I'll do that for her. I'll look out for her.

I'll do everything I can to make sure she can be truly who she's meant to be, all the dreams she wants to fulfil, I'm more than happy to just watch from the sidelines. This is all I truly feel towards her.

I want to tell her so much, I want to tell her how her smile is the most precious thing I've seen, her words calm me and her presence makes my heart skip a beat. But right now, she's asked for space, and that I must give to her. I can't dump how I feel and then expect her to accommodate that in her mind, she should be free to make her decision as she wants.

There was a moment of silence, Max felt awkward so he laughed a bit, hoping to ease the tension. His therapist was making notes at an even more rapid pace, it worried him about what he'll be hearing at the end of the session.

"I'm glad you finally opened up, got so much off your chest."

"And finally admitted that what I felt was beyond surface level." He laughed.

"Saying it out loud really helped you out huh?"

"Yeah I think denial doesn't really stand a chance anymore. Denying things for so long has deprived me of so many experiences."

"I hope you're able to slowly overcome your heightened fear of vulnerability, we'll work on it together. This. What you said about her today is a great start." She smiled reassuringly.

"Thank you! I'm proud of myself for not finding it cringe." He tried to laugh it off.

"We also need to work on taking feeling's seriously." She shook her head.

"Hey! Humour is my coping mechanism!"

"Self deprecating humour is paradoxical honestly."

"I don't actually hate myself." He said, "For the most part."

That made her laugh, but she composed herself immediately, and continued, "I understand you're giving Kalki her space but I believe you should still let her know what you feel."

"I don't want to bother her peace."

"You don't have to. Just one text message or a call to clear the air is enough."

"I'm sure she's going through something rough too, it's not easy to cope with so much happening in such a short time."

"Look at you being thoughtful! And they say therapy is useless." She shook her head.

"Therapy effectiveness deniers need to realise that it's not a one solution fits all problem thing." He shook his head too.