Hourglass

XII

[Jiang Yuan's POV]

"You know... I just realized... How much I regretted loving you..."

The moment we stepped in lotus pier, mother immediately went back to his room. I could only watch my mother silently weep as he run away from the rest.

To love somebody that will never fight for you.

To love someone more important than your life but ended being left behind.

It just feel so sad. That one person lose himself trying to hold on to someone who doesn't care about losing him.

Not even trying to mend what he had broken from the very start.

They love each other so much but they're too stubborn to talk things right.

One who swallow all his love for the other's happiness.

One who swallow all his love to protect himself.

I silently stood outside his room. I can hear his sobs and cries. He want to be with that person but he cannot. He want to be a forgiving person but he cannot. He cannot trust the man who would only leave him again conveniently.

"A-Yuan..." His soft voice signalled for me to enter. I saw him gave me a smile. Never, in all those days I spent with him ended up like this. In my memory he was always smiling, making others laugh. I'm not used to seeing him like this...this weak.

I sat beside him and cuddled close. He was still sniffling on my neck and pepper me kisses.

"You smell like him..." He said, "he must be sneaking his scents on you..."

"Hmm... No... I let him to..."

There was thus pregnant silence. He stroke my head and kiss me on my cheeks, "how long have you known?"

"When I was eight... At first I was not sure... Whenever I'm outside Lotus Pier I would always smell sandalwood.. It felt like normal to me. I thought he was someone assign as my hidden guard or something... So I let him be..." I told him.

He nudge me to get going, he didn't say a thing or two. He just listened carefully.

"I was seven when popo gave me seven gifts... The last was a white ribbon... They told me to study in Cloud Recesses... And there I met him... He was a teacher, who became my friend and best friend... But never within those years... He crossed the line..."

My god... I felt like crying.

"He remained an outsider in my life..."

Mother did not speak for a while. He just hugged me close and kiss me once in a while. And then... I asked...

"Do you still...." Hesitation, "love him?"

I was ready for him to deny it. But I never expected him to be so blunt. Uncle Cheng never told me about this side of mother. He just told me about the shameful disgusting little funny things and his self-sacrificing idiocy (in Jiang Wanyin's speech).

"I do..." Was his answer.

I was afraid for him to tell me not to see him again. But he never told me those.

"Do you..." He paused, "want us to get back?"

Can I? I was hesitant for a moment. But, there's nothing wrong about being truthful about my own wishes.

"I do..." I replied, "I want us... A family... But I cannot..."

Mother parted with me and let me face him. He cupped my cheeks as if telling me to be honest.