Silence engulfed the both of us. My mind was wrapping in the information she projected. I was puzzled. My mind seemed to be in a turmoil of storm grasping what has been laid upon me.
"What?" My voice cracked midway. My hands were shaking but Freen's hand were trembling the most.
"I love you Becky. I fucking do!" She prompted twice, and each time I am always caught off guard. Caught with the fact that Freen admitted she is inlove with me when in fact all along she was not doing the thing most people inlove do. She made me feel the opposite.
"You can't." I replied. This time it was her turn to feel conflicted and confuse. Her eyes were scanning mine as if she was looking for clarifications in the windows of my soul.
"What?"
"You can't love me Freen... You can't." Not now, this isn't the right time for this. This isn't supposed to happen.
"Why can't I love you when i've been loving you this whole time Becca? Why can't I just voice out what I feel and let you know that I am deeply, hardly, strongly head over heels for you?"
My tracked halted the moment she yelled the exact words she said. My limbs failed to scoot away from her, it's as if my feet were glued on the ground prohibiting me to even move away.
"I love you Becky! Why can't you see that? Why can't you notice how i've badly wanna shout to rooftops that I am inlove with you? That I wanna correct all of the wrong doings I did, that I wanna polish the story we ended in not so good terms with that I wanna be better. I wanna be better this time... For you, for Fin."
This is not how I wanted this to be. This is not how I pictured out. Yes I wanted to make Freen fall for me but how can I do that when she's already falling? How can I break her?
"You can't Freen! You can't just broadcast your love like it's gonna send me to whirls of emotions because this exact same thing happened before. You broke me Freen! Wreck my soul! Shattered me in halves and I let you walk away with my pieces and now your here telling me that you're deeply inlove with me? Why now? Why did you even come here? Why are you doing this? Why are making this so much harder!"
" I don't know too Bec! I don't know! All I know is everything came rushing to me again! I wanted to be better, I wanna make it up to you and it's funny how I only realize that when you're already gone. When you already fled. But I loved you so much Becky. So much, I was just so afraid to even admit it myself."
"You brought different girls in the mansion Freen! Fuck every girl you see! Hurt me in all ways possible! Doubt me and worse is involve my brother in all of you're shit! Yet you call that love? Was that even considered as one?" I yelled. My frustration growing each moving seconds. " Love is not selfish Freen yet you are seeing it with you're selfish desires!"
"I know Becca! I know! I cannot undo the past nor polish the memories that haunts you to bed. I cannot erase the facts that I have coated different scars in you're heart. I cannot erase the obnoxious realm of pains, the mirrors of mockery, of insolence and resentment. I cannot erase it all but please... Please give me one more chance to correct what I did wrong, to try and redirect what I was supposed to do. To be a better mother and a better wife."
She stepped closer yet I stepped back. I am afraid that her touch will burn me. That her fingers would left marks on my skin. I was afraid that something will ignite a spark and it'll be harder for me to pull back. "Don't! Don't ever come any closer." I warned.
"Becky please. Can't we just try again? Let's try and work this out..."
"We cannot. I don't know if i'll be able to trust you again. I don't know if I can even look at you without igniting the demons within me. You ruined me and I suffered for that, and you can't blame me if I also want the same. I want you to suffer the same way I did."
"Go on. Hurt me, hurt me as long as you want, hurt me to you're heart's content. Hurt me Becky! Ruin me!"
"That's not enough Freen! That's not enough! I suffered four years with you! I suffered too much! I broke my heart, lost my sanity and lost my self doubting if I ever deserve to be treated as more than just a mere debtors of you. But not even once you showed me that I am more than just that. You instead made me feel like shit!"
"I know and i've said it probably a million times but I feel like I need to keep apologizing. I keep saying it in the hopes that you'll know all the things i'm apologizing for. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that all the memories we made are now tainted with sadness. I'm sorry that I didn't love you the way you deserved. I'm sorry that I couldn't really explain to you why I did it, there was no excuse for all of my mistakes. I'm sorry that I waited so long to tell you when I already knew it was over. I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry I was a jerk. I'm sorry I broke your heart. I'm sorry that I cannot erase the pain I caused in you're heart. But please... Please, give me another chance." She pleaded. Her voice cracking in between the depths of of her throat.
Yet there was confusion building inside my heart. There was a lingering uncertainties inside the depths of my heart that I cannot seem to decipher.
I can't quite label this. But I know i'm not ready to even be with Freen, the scars she caused is still fresh in my mind.
"I can't Freen. I'm sorry. You're a memory I don't wanna experience again."
And with that, I left the office, but before I close the door I saw how she wipe her tears.
This is not yet the right time.
It's too soon.
And sometimes, the most formative way to love another human being is to love them from a distance. To lay down her hope and her fight.
And maybe one day....
Maybe one day we can both be stable and ready.
Right now I can't...
There's something in my chest.
I want to picture myself with her.
But at the same time I want her to suffer. Just the way I did when she shattered me and walk away from it.
YOU ARE READING
Bewitching Rebecca Patricia Armstrong
General Fiction"Is she mine?" Freen asked with shaky hands watching the little kid playing on the playground. Her hair cascade on her shoulders, her eyes were brown, Freen's brown ones and her prominent nose is as of Becky's. Becky glared at Freen, her anger ragi...
