Objection | SVU

Chapter 11

It had been two months since I had taken my Bar exam, and my results were due in today. They were supposed to be released at 11am, and I had to log on to the New York State Board of Law Examiner's website to see my results. I was petrified.

If it weren't for Rafael, I wouldn't have been able to sleep last night. I was so anxious about the test results, and Rafael had convinced me that staying up and worrying wouldn't help anything. He told me that a good night's sleep would help, and I listened to him. I woke up at 8am so that I could be in the office at 9, and Rafael was still at my apartment, getting ready to go into work. I smiled at him nervously, and he held his arms out for me to embrace him. I hugged him as he held me close, and he comforted me, saying, "I'm sure you did amazing, cariño. Call me as soon as you get the results."

I smirked as we separated, knowing that Rafael had access to the Bar exam results since he was an ADA. He kissed me on the cheek as we separated, and I was off to work.

I got into the squad room and opened my laptop, and I logged on to the New York State Board of Law Examiner's website. I wanted to be ready to see my results as soon as they came up. I heard Fin teasingly say, "Hey Jess, I thought you were done with school." I swiveled my chair around and retorted, "Bar exam results for New York come out today." Fin nodded in realization and said, "I'm sure you have nothing to worry about, Jess."

I couldn't help but think back to the enormous amount of time that had passed since I had taken my Bar exam. For lack of a better analogy, it was like being an attorney in court, giving your best argument to win your case, and waiting for the jury to come back with a verdict. I had done everything that I could have to prepare for the exam, and now I was just waiting to see if I had passed. As I thought more and more about the last few weeks, I thought about how insane I must have driven Rafael. We had a few fights here and there, but ultimately, he was there for me. He understood the stress that was eating away at me, and he was compassionate to me. Last night's incident came to mind.

Flashback

I walked into the apartment and immediately grabbed a beer from the fridge. Rafael wasn't due home for another few hours, and I was going out of my mind. My anxiety about the Bar results was insanely high, and I didn't know what else to do. I thought that having a beer would make me relax a bit more, but it didn't. I sat at the kitchen table and began looking through cases to try and take my mind off of it, but that didn't work, either. I felt defeated as I moved from the kitchen table to the couch, where I sat down and put my hands folded between my knees, contemplating what I had done wrong on the Bar.

"Jess, I got out earlier than I-" I heard Rafael's voice, but it seemed distant and faint. I had been working myself up all night, and it was obvious. My heart beat faster as I felt like I was struggling to breathe, and Rafael immediately joined me on the couch, his arm around me. He pulled me close to him and tried his best to calm me down, but I still felt a shortness of breath. I began to panic more, because Rafael was always able to calm me down. I choked out, "Raf, I feel like I can't breathe..." I heard him say, "Listen, I'm going to get you some water. I'll be right back, is that okay?" I nodded, and as soon as I felt Rafael move away from me, my panic set back in. He was back in a matter of seconds with a water bottle, telling me to take small sips of water as he rubbed my back.

That helped a little, but I was still feeling short of breath and very faint. I felt Rafael grab my hands, and I heard him say, "Jess, look at me." I did my best to look at him and keep my eyes trained on him, and he said, "Take a deep breath for me." I complied, and he continued, "Now breathe out, okay?" He watched me with a worried expression as I continued to slowly breathe in and out, and I felt myself calming down. I let out a deep breath, and Rafael asked me, "Jess, are you alright now?" I nodded, slightly embarrassed that he had just seen me in that state. I felt my hands slightly shaking as I asked Rafael, "What just happened...?"