Ladies and gentlemen, please be seated, review in progress. *sharpens teeth and claws*. Before we begin, dear author, if you're in any way sensitive, do not, and I mean DO NOT read this review.
Let's get it on!
Author: -bands_
Genre: Teen Fiction
No. chapters read: 2 and skimmed the next 3
First impression: God, this is what I started this book for, isn't it?
Cover: I'm going to punch that bitch in the face. It's probably Selena Gomez or something which should make me feel bad for punching children, but no. He face is SO annoying. And just look at those nails! How does she wipe her ass with those?
The font is terrible. Don't even get me started on the title. Seriously? You already have a ?! in your title and it doesn't make any sense. You were better off with the question mark.
Cover rating: punching bitches in the face
Blurb: That question mark at the end of your first sentence. What exactly are you asking? If your name is Ren Michelson, if you're a nerd or if you're a gang leader? Wait! What? Yes, it's annoying when someone else does it, isn't it?
You know, seeing how your voice is all annoying thirteen year-old girl and I'm imagining it like the sound of Janice, from Friends, I don't think I want to follow you through your trials and tribulations and find out.
Your blurb also has like two paragraphs and then you spend two much larger ones threatening to kill who steals your stuff (no offense, but who would?) and saying some random shit about unicorns pooping ice cream. I'm all about ice cream pooping unicorns, but this is your blurb, author, not a random rant book. Are you taking this shit seriously?
OMG, I just saw your tags. Genius girl? Seriously? *rolls over in a ball laughing*
Blurb rating: annoying
Let's get it on!
Second impression: Why? Why? WHY?
Actual review *drum roll please*:
Language/Writing:
You know, I don't even know if I should take you seriously, because you're not even taking yourself seriously. You know what I felt like, reading this? Language-wise I mean?
Like you were writing it on your phone on a poop break and published it without checking it ONCE. You know how that makes me feel? Insulted. Violated. And TMI.
There are such things as:
- Punctuation marks
- New paragraphs
- Capital letters for names and the beginning of a new sentence
- Dialogue marks, for crying out loud! You shove dialogue in the middle of the paragraph like it's just some random description or something. Not to mention that all dialogue is in one paragraph
- grammar
USE THEM. *takes out flamethrower and torches text*
Bottom line? This is the most atrocious piece of... writing, to put it loosely, I've ever come across. LAZY! I have zero tolerance for laziness.
Language rating: *throws grenade at text*
Plot: I only read so much because I was actually waiting for something to make sense. We get an introduction written all in italics, just to have that scene retold in the next chapter. *slow clap*
From here on out, I'll be talking directly to Ren.
So, we have Ren, a self-proclaimed nerd. Bitch, do you even know what a nerd is? A nerd is not a bookworm. Get your facts straight! Plus, how are you a nerd? You sleep through your classes! Apparently the power of benevolent writer makes you not flunk shit, but that ain't real. No teacher would let you nap in their class, no matter how smart you are, because it's DISRESPECT and it sets a BAD EXAMPLE.
Right, moving on, she stumbles over a body in a dark, deserted alley. She just stares at it #geniusgirl. Then she gets kidnapped by some Italian guy for some reason that's never clear or specified because random shit keeps happening.
Of course, in chapter one we're treated to Ren's very interesting school life. I'm just kidding, it's totally boring an annoying and all I learned form it is that I want to punch Ren in the face, and then step on her face, because she's such a self-important asshole.
Then she meets her captor, and instead of asking, uh, I don't know, why did you take me? or where am I? she of course drools all over him because he has a beard. #geniusgirl
Right, I'd say more about the plot, but it actually makes little to no sense. There is a shot at humor, but I'm too bewildered by how stupid all this is to be amused.
Plot rating: Areegfksajhdlkasjdl!
Characters:
Ren: You're not a nerd, you're a bitch who found glasses. Honestly, the most presumptuous, annoying little shit I've read about. We get no backstory from her. Why she needs a job, why she takes care of her siblings, when she actually studies if she works nine hours after school... (Who the hell hires a teenager for nine hours?) you know, that character building crap no one bothered with.
Ren's siblings: Aren't even important enough to get their own lines of dialogue, so why should I give a shit about them?
Gangster man: Calls Ren, a teenager, kitten. Ew! He also appears brain dead.
Other gangsters: Also appear brain dead.
Character rating: brain dead
Why I stopped reading: I felt like I was dumbing down myself. #geniusgirl
Grade: Fail. In a terrific, smoldering shitstorm. Do you want any advice? No? Well, here is some anyway. If you want to write, take it seriously. Don't insult your readers because reading takes time. It's a dick move to waste time.
YOU ARE READING
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