The Evil Rant And Review Book

Dìlseachd - A Forgotten Crown

I have retuuuuurned. After much writing and hurting various characters, I am now ready to hurt real people.

So let's get it on!

⚠️Fair warning. I did not read through this once and wrote it on my phone with all foreseeable consequences.

Author: CelticWarriorQueen17

Genre: Historical (just because it says so in the description because wattpad no longer believes genres are important 😑 And no, I will never stop complaining about this)

Number of chapters read: 2 and a half plus prologue plus all the other bonus crap

First impression: I can't read the title. I'm also reading everything with a Shrek accent.

Cover: Your cover is visually pleasing. It is also very boring. It also differs not from your other covers. It fits something written a hundred years ago. It reminds me too much of LOTR. I like LOTR but wouldn't read it again.

I am not a fan. Really. How can it be pretty and I still don't like it??? Probably because it says nothing about your story. And makes me expect it to somehow be in elfish.

Cover rating: 😴 (I'm still doing emoji ratings. Sue me. I wouldn't. I've been to court a lot).

Blurb: I totally fell asleep. I have rarely encountered such an un-exciting depiction of war. The thing is, the story is interesting. But the blurb is SO FLOWERY. I know what you're going to say: it fits the genre, you dumb bimbo!

I take offense. I may be dumb, but I am certainly not a bimbo. There is no use for such language.

But honestly, you use words I have trouble understanding / haven't read in decades like yoke. I know it's a word. I also partially know what it means. But I'm not native English so I'm going to hate you for using it.

Yes, I'm hating on you and your perfectly accurate historical terms. Plus I have a very powerful aversion towards vague phrasing and rhetorical questions. Just no! You raising questions does not make me raise questions.

You know what actually bothers me most. There's no focus on your characters. Just a very vague reference to plot and a potential character. No, I don't want to read about peoples. I want to read about actual people (heh, I punned). Make me care for someone or I won't open the book. As much as I like history.

Blurb rating: 😩

Let's get this show on the road!

All your extra stuff: there are five parts of story that are not story. Starting with your pretty explanation about titles and crap and ending with the historical note that makes me want to flee this story.

Why?

Because I'm pretty damn sure I will have a very hard time reading it. First, I can't even pronounce the title (ignorant me), but I can live with that. What I don't get is the Scottish accent you're using.

You say yourself that wasn't the actual language they spoke but you're doing it to get a point across. Let me get one of my own.

Have you seen child 44? Or was it 47? Anyway, it's this movie starring Tom Hardy and Sirius Black, I mean Garry Oldman about some Russian kids disappearing.

Movie was okay, not that great. But that's not what I'm getting at. The thing is, all the actors in the movie spoke English (obviously) with a heavy Russian accent. This is pretty much what you're doing. And I will stop to ask why. I knew those guys were Russian. Giving them accents only made me wonder of they spoke Russian with bad English accents.