Persuasion

End Game

I hadn't heard from Logan or Finn since our phone conversations. I avoided Lane and dodged Paris' phone calls. My mom was 'doing Wild' across the continent, not that she was speaking to me anyway. I was alone. I went through the motions, wake up, work, write, read, repeat. I would break down into tears if I allowed myself to think about it too hard, so I didn't. I should be wallowing and trying to heal, but I was numb. I was so lonely and I didn't even realize it until I saw them wearing those damned gorilla masks. I could have jumped into their arms if I wasn't unsure of Collin's knee, Finn's sobriety, and Robert's inability to keep his hands off my ass.

Then I heard his voice and my heart was in my throat. He walked towards me, hesitant, his normal confidence masked by the fear and uncertainty written in his eyes. I took the hat and you could see the weight lifted off his shoulders, the glimmer in his eyes. He was nervous I would say no, but he didn't know how weak I was to his advances and how lonely I had been without him. It struck me in that moment that in how much he knew about me, he still didn't understand how much I missed him when he wasn't there.

So I ran down the streets, golfed on the rooftops, tangoed, and reveled in the closeness of the man I love. It wasn't until later in the evening as we lay next to each other that the reality of our situation hit me. This was our goodbye, our final chapter, it was over. I tried to drift off to sleep but my head was too busy. I wanted nothing more than to spend our last night together sleeping soundly on his chest listening to the rhythmic beating of his heart but I couldn't shut my brain off. The guilt and emptiness that usually waited until we left each other had sunk in early. When we were together in London it usually hit me as I was flying across the Atlantic. At least on the plane I had the comfort of in-flight movies, my trusty Jane Austen, and alcoholic beverages. My on land stress relievers were not conducive to this situation. I think Logan would notice if I was stress tapping in the lobby and I couldn't exactly call my mother. . . or him.

I slid out of bed careful to not disturb Logan and wrapped a flannel bathrobe around me. I sat in the window seat and looked out the window. It was late or early. The moon shone through the newly amber leaves. As much as my mom loved the winter, I loved fall. The way the whole world changed color and gave you a chance to start anew. One of my favorite lines from The Great Gatsby was always 'life starts all over again when it gets crisp in the fall.' Well that one and 'there are all kinds of love in this world but never the same love twice'. I held my breath for a moment, holding back tears. I turned to watch Logan for a moment. His body was still, his chest slowly rising and falling with each breath. My eyes traced the outline of his body, the curve of his shoulders, the crinkle on his forehead. I pulled my knees into my chest and wrapped my arms around my legs. I curled up and watched, I watched him sleep and I watched the sky turn from dark to red to orange to blue.

I didn't even hear him stir. Just heard his voice asking me how long I had been sitting there. He asked me if something was going on in that head of mine and I almost laughed out loud at the irony. Everything was going on in my head. Replaying our time spent together, the conversations we had, the conversations we didn't. The three words that been on the tip of my tongue since Hamburg and if I was being honest with myself since college. In addition to all that though was Mitchum's and Lorelai's words ringing just as loudly. He's doing well. The guy you just can't quit. The nail in the coffin from Logan himself - dynastic plan. So I gave him back his key and I braced myself for our final goodbye.

I retreated to the bathroom before I broke down. I took out my phone and opened up the Uber app, it would cost me an arm and a leg to get back to Stars Hollow but I couldn't drive back with him. Not in the daylight and sober where all our scars and wounds were open and on display. I pressed send before I had a chance to second guess myself. Your driver will be there in 30 minutes. Not too shabby for the middle of nowhere in New Hampshire. I studied my face in the mirror, the sadness in my eyes and the pallor of my skin. I splashed my face with water before redressing in yesterday's clothes. I exited the bathroom to see Logan dressed again sitting in the window seat I was occupying earlier.

"Zip me up?" I asked turning my back to him and moving my hair aside.

He stood behind me and slowly pulled the zipper up. I could feel his breath on the back of my neck as his hands tenderly caressed my neck and shoulders. He turned me around and pulled me close to him as I buried my face in his chest. I inhaled deeply, soaking in everything his scent, his warmth, the feel of the stubble on his chin as he rested it on top of my head. I wanted to remember everything, every detail, every piece of him.

"Ace" he whispered running his fingers through my hair.

I reached my hands up and pulled his face towards mine. I kissed him slowly at first but the kiss deepened and I felt my body melt into his. The kiss ended with us breathless and resting our foreheads against one another.

"Are you ready?" I asked poignantly.

"I don't think I'll ever be ready for this Rory" he answered knowingly.

"I know" I took a deep breath and ran my fingers through the hair on the back of his neck "but a beautiful author once wrote 'There are too many beginnings in a day, to fully comprehend the endings when they come, but the honesty of life always refuses to be denied.'"

He smiled sadly and I swore I saw a glimmer of tears in his eyes. "All this too soon to be gone, yet we never know how to say goodbye" he continued.

"Don't ever stop writing" I begged.

He put his finger on my lips "this isn't the end. We don't have to do this right now."

I looked at him, certain all the pain and sadness I felt was written across my forehead.

"We still have breakfast" he said with a soft smile.

I nodded, thinking that it was fitting that all the words that we didn't say to one another remained unsaid in our goodbye.

"Come on" he said, his voice frantic as he grabbed my hand and pulled me towards the door.

Once we were downstairs I was occupied in the frenzy of talking about fist fights, New Zealand, and Dodge Colts. I tried not to notice the way that Logan was watching me or the way his face fell when I told them that my car would be there soon. It had to be the end whether he was ready for it or not. Whether I was ready for it or not. So I put on my brave face and joked about Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. Our last kiss was a little too safe, too gentle, and too sweet but then again when did we do anything like we were supposed to. He put the hat on me and left, and I would be lying if I said that I didn't wait for a minute to see if he was going to walk back through the door, but he didn't and my phone buzzed alerting me my ride was there. Time was up both figuratively and literally. I got into the back of the car and watched as the inn slipped slowly from view. The night was over. The moment was gone and we were finished.  Just like that.