Persuasion

Shape of You

December was a blur, between Christmas and moving we barely stopped. Logan spent the holiday with us in Nantucket. Grandma couldn't help the glimmer in her eyes when we arrived together. She whispered 'you look happy' in my ear when she hugged me when we left. It was a beautiful holiday even if everyone was a little confused by Jack being there. After the holidays though, we got into a routine. When Logan was in New York, we had coffee together in the chairs by the windows of our new apartment in the mornings. We rode to work together, dropping him off first. And sometimes on days when we both could get away (or we missed each other too much) we had lunch together. Our evenings, brief and usually interrupted by my work or his, were filled with take out and bad movies both of us content to just enjoy one another's quiet company. When he was away, we talked when he took his lunch and again when I was on mine and usually we talked when I got home from work, if it wasn't too late or he wasn't asleep. We made it work. He often got up early and sometimes when he thought I was asleep he would sneak out of bed laptop in hand and retreat to the couch. A couple of times I found him passed out on the couch with his laptop open. He was working hard, and as much as I loved him for it, it gave me a sense of unease. He took phone calls from his father behind closed doors and even though he told me everything was fine, I didn't believe him. I knew it was a blow, his separation from Odette, his leaving London, his change of devotion and energy, and no matter what hand he had in it; I knew the blame was easily placed on me. He was trying to protect me, but despite his chivalrous efforts, when I saw him working himself ragged I felt entirely to blame.

We lay on our couch one night after he had flown in from London on the red eye and went straight to work for the day. He was laying on my lap, reading out loud his cheek resting against the small swell of my stomach.

"Personal size and mental sorrow have certainly no necessary proportions. A large bulky figure has as good a right to be in deep affliction, as the more graceful set of limbs in the world. But, fair or not fair, there are unbecoming conjunctions, which reason will patronize in vain, — which taste cannot tolerate, — which ridicule will seize" his voice was steady and soothing and I let the words wash over me in gentle waves. He set the book down for a moment before asking "maybe we should find something more age appropriate to read? Some Dr. Seuss or Roald Dahl? Come to think of it, I think I have a first edition of Peter Pan Honor got me for my 30th birthday around here somewhere."

I smiled "Honor has a way with gifts."

He returned the smile "yeah she's subtle."

"I don't think it matters what you read, I think it's just the sound of your voice" I assured him my fingers running gently through his hair and his eyes closed as he murmured his approval. "So what do you think Peter Pan, are you happy that you grew up or do you wish you were still a lost boy?"

"I want always to be a little boy and have fun" he mumbled with a smile "plus I thought I made it clear that I look damn good in tights."

I swallowed hard feeling the tears well up in my eyes. To say that I had been quick to emotions was an understatement. A sob stuck in my chest and I took a quick breath.

His eyes flickered open and he sat up facing toward me "hey" he said gently rubbing the side of my face "what's wrong?"

"Are you happy? You and me, we're good right? We've been living together, well mostly living together for a while and we sort of have our routines down and I think it's working. I mean I love you and I'm really enjoying my job and the apartment is great. We're okay right? You and me because you've just been a little distant and maybe I'm just being over sensitive and emotional but I want to make sure you're okay with me, with this, with us."

"Hey, hey, hey" he said quietly pulling me in to his arms.

"I'm sorry" I said between sobs.

"Don't apologize Ace" he said holding my face in his hand "listen to me, I love you."