Someone's Someone

Someone's Someone - Chapter Twelve

Henna....

Me and Keith kissed last night.

From your slightly confused friend, Henna 😬😳

During my lunch break, I send Fi a quick and confessional text message. I need to speak to someone about this. I need to get some stuff off my chest. What happened last night, fundamentally changes everything. It's not that I'm now freaking out, I'm just second guessing all that happened.

Should I have let Keith kiss me?

Should I have stopped him?

Should I call him to see if things are now completely weird between us?

Just as I'm about to wrangle with my thoughts, my phone pings to life with an incoming message from the ever reliable Fi.

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?

You kissed?

O.M.G Henna!

Were there 👅's ???

Tutting with a dramatic little eye roll that is purely for my own benefit, I promptly message her back.

No 👅's

I'm sooooooooooo confused, Fi.....HELP!!!!

Mindful of the time, I impatiently wait for Fi's reply as I hurriedly bite into my ham and salad wrap. I only have a little under half an hour to sort out the future of my life and to eat the rest of my lunch.

Keith has wanted to be with you, for what must be, forever!

He has always cared about you. Sooooooo, my lovely friend, that means the ball is very much in your court now!

It's decision time.

Keep Keith as a friend.

Orrrrrrrrrrr.... have some more kissing fun with him 💋💋💋💋

But if you choose the latter, you know that Keith will be wanting you guys to take your relationship to another level, right???

That's where my problem lies—what decision do I make?

So, I decide to ask Fi that very question.

What do I do, Fi?

I care about Keith, and last night was really lovely, but I still don't know whether it's enough to want to be properly with him?

I can see that Fi is texting me straight back, so eat and drink while I wait.

Have you told him that?

Putting my wrap down, I give my fingers a quick little wipe down using my trousers, before texting in my answer to Fi.

He knows I'm not sure about us, and he says he is willing to take things at my pace. I'm just scared that I'll end up hurting him, whatever I decide to do 😱

Again, Fi is swift when composing her lengthy response.

As long as you're straight with Keith, he will be fine.

Try not to worry. Just go with your feelings. Be true to yourself.

I knew that something would eventually give between you and him, but I didn't think it would be now.

Listen, I have to go, I'm needed! One of my ladies has just come in. Her baby is back to back, so I'm having to give her some exercises to do at home, in the hope that her little angel might turn....I'll message or call you later 😘

Reading Fi's message, a small and involuntary sigh is exhaled from somewhere deep within my chest and then steadily emitted from out of my mouth.

I don't know whether that sigh is to try and calm me?

I don't know whether it's because I'm trying to push away the worry of Keith?

Or I don't know whether it's just because I now have even less time to finish the rest of my lunch?

I honestly don't know why I'm feeling so jittery. It's like I'm on the cusp of a life-changing decision. A decision, that I don't know whether I am ready to make.

Am I ready for a relationship?

Or am I just not ready because that relationship would be with Keith?

Oh god, I really don't know what to do!

Here's the thing: Keith is lovely. Proper lovely. He is handsome. A well presented chap. A sincere kind of guy. He is also super supportive of who I am.

Okay, here comes the big but—but, I don't get that irresistible pull to be with him.

I don't ever feel giddily clumsy when he's near me.

I don't ever blush or suddenly become sillily inarticulate.

My thoughts aren't always dreamily full of him.

My stomach doesn't crazily flip this way and that way when I see him.

Keith, sadly doesn't rock my world.

And if I'm being really really really honest with myself, Keith is just safe and reliable. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with being safe and reliable. In fact, I know many women who would give anything to be with someone like Keith, so safe and so very reliable.

But I'm not sure if it would ever be enough for me.

When my mother left both me and my dad, I think she was thinking the same thing. She didn't want safe. She didn't want reliable. Maybe there really is more of her inside of me, than I care to admit? But even if there is, I know how much her not being able to stay with me and my dad, deeply hurt my father. I know how her leaving, made him feel like he was never enough. And to grow up always knowing that, I promised myself that I would never make another human being ever feel that way.

I have learnt how two good people, can just be so wrong together.

So that is why I'm scared to fall into a relationship with Keith. I'm scared that he'll just be my safe and secure option.

And Keith deserves so much more than that.

As nice as it was to kiss him.

As nice as it was to be cuddled by him.

Keith deserves far more than I can ever feel for him.

All of a sudden, my ham wrap becomes increasingly harder to swallow down. My appetite seems to have now upped and gone.

I am going to have to tell Keith.

His hopes have been raised, and now I am going to bring them all crashing right back down.

Again, my thoughts run away with themselves. They run, and as they do, dread buries itself beneath my skin.

I don't want to hurt Keith.

I don't want to lose him as a friend.

There is a big part of me who wishes I could feel more for him. A part of me who would like nothing more than for Keith to be the one that I eventually fall in love with—but I know that won't ever happen.

Which leaves me having to have yet another conversation with him about the impossible us. It won't be the first time we have talked about this, but I truly have to make sure that it will be our last time.

If something was meant to happen between Keith and I, it would have happened by now. Keith kissing me, has in fact confirmed to me what I already knew; we aren't right for each other.

I know he wants more, he always has.

But I now know that I can't give him what he wants.

Friendship is all I have.

It's all I have left.

Last night, Keith said he needed me to be truthful with him. Then, the truth is what he shall have.