if i love you was a promise | b.e

thirty eight

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billie stopped walking as we reached my gate, everyone else stopping too. i hated saying goodbye, and i know they did just as much as me.

patrick gave me a warm hug, followed by a pat on the head. "safe flight, joey. im sure we'll see you again in no time."

finneas then ran over, giving me a tight squeeze. "im gonna miss you like hell." he smiled sadly.

maggie gently wrapped her arms around me and held me for a minute. it was so hard to say goodbye to her, especially her, since she had been a mother to me for almost a whole year. i trusted her like my own mother.

she had tears in her eyes as she moved my hair out of my face. "its like leaving a daughter." she shook her head sadly. "i'll miss you."

everyone's head slowly turned to billie, who stood closer to me. her eyes looked glassy, almost broken. everyone walked away, leaving the two of us to say goodbye privately.

we stayed silent for a minute before billie decided to speak up.

"i really never thought this would happen." she laughed, looking down. a tear managed to escape her eye.

"me neither." i gulped. "but its not forever."

"of course not." billie smiled, looking up. "i just wish it wasn't ever."

"me too, bil. but we've been through so much together already, this will be nothing. it'll all play out okay."

"i hope you're right." she sighed.

"i'll call as soon as i land." i told her, taking her hand.

she leaned in and kissed me gently. neither of us wanted to pull away.

a tear slipped down my cheek as my face moved away slightly. "i love you, billie."

"i love you too, joey."

"boarding shannon to stansted." was played over the intercom.

billie gave me one last kiss before turning away. i watched her as everyone around me started to walk in the opposite direction.

cliché was never her thing, but of course she looked back again, giving a small wave. she was crying again, and so was i. it felt like my other half was being taken away. i suddenly felt so cold. so lonely. what the hell was i going to do without her?

i wiped my tears with the sleeve of billies hoodie, leaving my skin red and dry. i sniffled and pulled the hood up as i walked into line, gaining a few stares.

i saw a huge group of people wearing billie's merch and holding bags and papers, frantically looking around. i pulled the hood further over my face, making sure they wouldn't recognize me. i hoped they wouldn't find her, only because i knew billie would hate for them to see her how she was.

i walked lazily down the stairs, pulling my suitcase behind me, it's contents being the clothes i arrived in and a selection of clothes billie wanted me to have that we had sorted out while we waited for my gate to be available.

i shivered from the cold irish breeze as i hauled my suitcase up the steps and into the plane. as soon as i found my seat, i started to cry again. i stared at the airport building, knowing billie was in there, and knowing i couldn't be with her.

i felt my phone buzz, a tear dropping on the screen as soon as i took it out.

bil
missing you already

joey
me too.

i closed my eyes and sobbed quietly, letting it all sink in. everything that came with leaving.

i was interrupted by an old woman sitting next to me, assumably in her 80s. i sighed as i realised my mom had booked seats with other people, meaning i couldn't cry in peace.

"hello dear." she smiled at me, her expression changing when she saw my tear stained cheeks.

"oh, what's the matter?"

"im leaving my girlfriend." i told her quietly.

"i am so sorry. you must feel terrible." she said with sympathy.

i nodded, wiping the tears away as she slid into the seat next to mine. the last thing i wanted to do was talk to someone, so i turned my head to look out the window.

"tell me about her." the lady encouraged.

i didn't want to be rude, so started off by saying the bare minimum.

"she's a musician. a singer."

"whats her name?" she asked.

"billie eilish." i told her, a proud smile creeping onto my lips. suddenly i was in the mood for talking.

"i haven't heard of her. is she popular?" she continued.

"yeah, she's all over the charts."

she continued to ask questions about her, and i was so lost in bragging about my girlfriend that i didn't notice the journey fly by. before i knew it i was back in london, back where it had all started.

***

my mom was waiting for me by the front doors as soon as i walked out.

"joey!" she smiled enthusiastically. i dodged her completely, avoiding eye contact. i stared at the ground as she threw her arms down by her side.

"i haven't seen you in over a year and i get no hello?"

i didn't reply. a feeling of guilt washed over me, realising all she had done for me and billie was generous.

"cheer up. the cars this way." she sighed, wrapping an arm around me and leading me to the car park.

as soon as the engine started, the radio started playing. my mom looked at me through the rearview mirror. "that billies hoodie?" she asked.

"yeah." i mumbled. i pulled the neckline up over my mouth. it smelled like her.

"have you been on to ella and liv?" she continued talking, making my blood boil. it was quite obvious the last thing i wanted to do was talk.

"i called them last week. they don't know im here." i replied, hoping it would be enough information to keep her mind busy for a few minutes.

she almost started talking again, pausing when she recognised the intro to ilomilo playing over the radio. i let out a wry laugh at the coincidence.

my mom turned it up without being asked, making me smile a little. i knew she cared. she had my best interest in mind.