Loud Like Love

Chapter Thirteen: Without You I'm Nothing

When Nick arrived for rehearsal on Tuesday afternoon, Matt hadn't shown up yet. Stuart looked up from fixing his cymbals to the drum kit, and stood when he saw Nick.

'Hey! There he is.' He smiled.

'Yeah, here I am . . .' Nick put down his guitar case. 'Where's Matt?'

Stuart shrugged. 'He and Alan had some time to kill, so they went to get some food. He should be along in a bit.' He stepped up to Nick and placed a hand on his shoulder. 'You okay?'

'I guess.'

'You had us worried.'

'I'm okay.' Nick gave Stuart a long, quizzical look. 'Hey, Stuart . . .'

'Yeah?'

'You seem . . . different. Lately. I mean, don't take this the wrong way, but you're being so nice. To me, anyway.'

Stuart smiled. 'Don't see what's so strange about that. I love you.'

Nick blinked. 'Pardon?'

Stuart shrugged again. 'I love you.'

'Er . . . Listen, you're my friend and—'

'Not like that!' Stuart rolled his eyes. 'I'm not in love with you. I don't do that whole fall in love, have a relationship kind of thing. Honestly, I'm not even interested in sex. But you're my friend. You're probably the best friend I've ever had, and I love you. And you're hurting, so . . . I guess I just want to make you feel better. And, like I said, I worry.'

Nick felt his face split into a wide smile. 'That's the sweetest thing you've ever said to me. Is it okay if I hug you?'

'One person and one person only is exempt from my no hugging rule,' said Stuart, 'and that's you.' He put his arms around Nick and held him close for a few moments. It was, perhaps, a bit awkward, but it felt nice. 'Except when I'm drunk,' he added. 'Then I'll hug Matt too.'

Nick laughed. 'I love you too,' he murmured into Stuart's shoulder—because it was true, in the same way as he loved Matt and Mel—and sighed. 'Thanks for making me feel better.'

Stuart patted his back and they parted. 'Any time,' he said. 'I mean, don't get too used to it. I'm still me, and it's not like there's been a miracle or anything.'

Nick laughed.

* * *

'I'm guessing he told you what happened,' said Nick when he spoke with Mel on the phone a couple of days later. 'After the gig last Friday.'

Mel sighed on the other end. 'Yeah. He said you got yourself absolutely smashed and he helped Matt and Alan get you home.'

'Yeah.' There was a pause, as Nick tried to think of what to say, but it wasn't coming. 'Mel?' he said at last.

'Yeah?'

'Am I a horrible person?'

Silence. 'What makes you say that?'

'I just . . . I feel like I'm hurting everyone. All the people who care about me, I make them worry, cause them pain. I feel like I'm just taking and taking, and giving nothing in return.'

'No!' said Mel. 'Please don't think like that. Yeah, you're going through hell right now, so of course you can't be there for people as much as you'd like. But there's a reason why people love you, okay? I mean, for years you comforted me when I was feeling sad and insecure. You taught me to believe in myself more. It meant more coming from you, because we weren't family, and you were under no obligation to be kind to me. But you were anyway.