My Soul - Mi Alma (Ongoing)

10 To Sevilla in a Morgan

Carlos has a Morgan! My dream car. He has a beautiful forest green, Morgan! They are so adorable, looking like they are straight out of the 1930-ies, with a leather strap around the motor, and the spare wheel on the trunk. 

" Are we going to Sevilla in a beautiful forest green Morgan?" He just laughed, "ahh mi Alma – this is the best way to travel." I got in and fell in love all over again – not only with the man but with his car as well.

"Tell me, Mi Alma, where do we go from here?"  "I thought we were on our way to Sevilla," I answered lightly. Carlos smiled, "I know, I am the one taking us there;" he laughed and squeezed my hand. "I was thinking in terms of us," he said. "Did you enjoy your first night as my girlfriend in my house?" I just smiled. So my question is, he continued, "where does this take us – and please don't say, Sevilla."

"My everlasting love for you is never dying,"  I said with a dramatic smile, and we both burst out laughing. We're on the highway out of Madrid. I'm sitting next to the man who has been the love of my life for almost a decade. I crave both his mind and his body – and I know he feels the same. It's just a bit complicated.

"You know mi Alma, the first day I entered that classroom at NYU, I was petrified.  Mariella encouraged me to go to New York, even if we had two small boys, she meant it was an opportunity of a lifetime. She said take that job, and you will be the director of the Prado museum before you turn 40, and look at me now – soon to be 39 and the director of the Prado museum."

"Tell me about Mariella," I said.
He began carefully; "Mariella was a beautiful and very talented pianist. Her family was friends with my family, and just like you and Mick – they expected and hoped for us, but no one ever forced us to be together. She was two years older than me, and we married when I was 26. She was already pregnant with Jorge, but we were happy. I was still working on my Ph.D., and I taught university in Madrid at the same time.

 "She had her debut at a pianist in Madrid, two years before we married, and got brilliant reviews. When she was pregnant with Alessandro, our youngest son, she was diagnosed with MS. She still played for a few years, but her public performances were few and far between. It affected the nerves in her hands before anything else. She started teaching at a music college in Madrid. 

"After we had Alessandro, our partnership changed from being extremely physical to more of a friendship – I didn't know her illness caused her to be less sexually active. I was stupid. She was on proper medication, but when you get MS around 30, it's usually more aggressive than when you get it late in life.

"When I met you, mi Alma I was so emotionally fucked up. I loved Mariella; she was my best friend and the mother of my children. She was my safe haven; I had known her for most of my life. She knew my vulnerability. I knew what I had.

"And- there you sat – in my classroom at NYU. Smart, witty, and insanely beautiful, but you didn't seem to know it yourself. That made you a thousand times more attractive than all the girls that kept throwing themselves at me. Yes, my female and some male students have thrown themselves at me throughout the years. The disadvantage of being Hagrid's size, you can't hide.

"I tried so hard to be a professional supervisor for you at the university; because you deserved the best. You are smart, talented, and creative. Still, I struggled more and more to keep my professionalism. Every time I went home to Spain to see my family, Mariella got worse, but she urged me to go on with my work in New York.

"In my second year in New York, she had to give up teaching. At that point, you and I were already together. I couldn't leave you, because I had found the love of my life, and I couldn't leave Mariella because she was dying slowly.

"I talked with your mama; she wanted me to let you go. Do you think my 23 years old daughter would be happy jumping into the role of a stepmother for two boys? She asked me coldly. I was so frustrated. I loved you, Alma, and I still love you. When I say you're my Alma – my soul, it's because you are.

"When I went home for good, Mariella was deteriorating fast. She still lived a few years, but she was in a wheelchair, her throat was paralyzed so she couldn't chew, only eat liquid food, her talk was a whisper. We hired two nurses, so she had assistance around the clock. It almost killed the boys and me. We tried every possible treatment, but nothing worked in the long run. Some medications made her better for a short while before she started deteriorating again.

"Almost three years ago, she was 100% paralyzed and just getting worse, her pains were terrible, but she was tough. She asked me to take her to one of the suicide clinics in Switzerland so she could have an assisted suicide.

"I was totally against the idea, to begin with, but as we spoke about it, I realized it was her definite wish, and I accepted. My sister took care of the boys while I went with her to Zurich and the clinic. I had to go to the pharmacy to get the medication for the suicide, that was one of the toughest moments of my life. We both had long discussions with the doctors at the clinic, both separately and together – I layed down by her side holding her close when she finally found her rest."

I look at Carlos in horror.

He looked back, with sad eyes and said – "actually it was pretty beautiful. She would never have a life again; there is no cure for MS. I respect her decision." He put his arm around my shoulder; I was shivering. "Don't feel sorry for me," he said, "I don't. Mariella was a loving mother, and she explained to each of the boys what was happening to her body, and there was no cure. I don't know how much they understood. Jorge was 10, but Alessandro was only seven years old. She insisted on us having humor about life until the very end. She knew about the two of us, and she encouraged me to pursue our relationship, not because she was selfless but because she knew it would be best for all of us."

 I was in a state – I don't know which....Purgatory? Hell, I'm a Jew I don't believe in purgatory.

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