My Soul - Mi Alma (Ongoing)

6 Susannah's perspective

I met Carlos Alvarez in the park today. I like Carlos. He is an intelligent and good looking man. So why do I want him to stay away from Alma? My parents tried to break up my love life – why do I do the same to her?

I have always loved the Alvarez family; in my childhood and youth, even after we moved to the US, we used to have family holidays together in my parent's house in Perpignan in France. I should have been thrilled about the fact that our two families would strengthen our once so close and tight relationship through Alma and Carlos.

I asked Carlos to leave Alma alone that terrible day over six years ago – what made me do that when I knew they were in love? Mainly because I knew he was married, had two children, and a wife who was ill. I wanted to protect my daughter. The day I saw them kissing passionately in Central Park I was shocked. They could jeopardize their careers by having a student/professor relationship. He is so much older than her. What would happen to the close friendship between the Alvarez family and our family if he had left his wife and children for Alma? What would happen to his career as a professor? Would Alma get her master if the university realized that she had a romantic relationship to her supervisor? I really didn't know how to handle it, and I still don't know what to do. Now she's the one who is married.  

Should I have stayed out of it then? Should I back off now? Maybe I should. I'm so confused.

When I came to this country, I was only 13 years old. We were not the typical political refugee family; we had money and a big collection of art that enabled my dad to bye an Upper Eastside townhouse. I never thought about that being anything special back then. Both Picasso and Miro, were anti-fascists, and friends of my grandparents, they had given my family several paintings over the years. My dad called the paintings his "life insurance" and I know he sold some of them to buy the house on Upper Eastside.

I had a good youth in New York City. The house was always filled with friends from both the American and the European art community, painters, musicians, journalists, and theatre people. My parents lived the same life as they had lived in Barcelona, just in safer surroundings. Papa got a job as a commentator in The New York Times, thank god that the newspaper still had proofreaders back I those days, after all, he was Spanish.

The problems started when I met Josh Sachs. I participated in a student exhibition at the NYU. We started talking about art; he was pretty knowledgable – and seven years older than me. He invited me out for a drink – and I knew right there and then that he was the man I wanted. A young, easygoing lawyer. We had so much fun, and I didn't see our substantial cultural and political differences.

The massiveness of the differences between the two of us became very obvious when we should introduce each other to our parents. I had invited Josh over for Sunday dinner with mama and papa. I was looking so much forward to introducing them to the man I was head over heels in love with.

My parents were friendly and outgoing people, but I saw my papa get a worried look on his face when Josh introduced himself and told them where he worked as a lawyer. Papa didn't say anything more about it that evening, or at least not until Josh had left.

When we were alone, papa told me to stay away from Josh. "The Sachs family is involved in a business that I have spent my entire life working against, he said – they have blood on their hands. They have worked with people and corporations in Franco Spain. and several other dictatorships. I wrote an article some years ago about law and finance companies working with dictators and making good money from it, and everything they did is legal – but morally despicable." Papa said.

A few weeks later, I was invited to the Sachs mansion in Westchester. That meeting went even worse. If my parents had managed to keep an air of politeness, I was told to leave the Sachs mansion ten minutes after I came. "You are the daughter of Anthony Bech? That radical and controversial journalist in the Times?" I confirmed that he indeed was my father. I was kicked out of the house, and Leo Sachs screamed after me, "don't you ever dare contact my son again."

Josh and I didn't listen to our parents. We moved in together in his apartment, much to the dismay of our parents. We believed our love was strong enough to handle everything, and we have stayed together and in love for over 30 years. We also though our parents would calm down when they got used to the idea, they never did. This went on for three years. I spoke with my parents; Josh worked with his dad, so they spoke daily. I hardly spoke with his parents – nor Josh with mine. But I know the parents on both sides worked hard to make us end the relationship.

When we found out I was pregnant with Alma, we were thrilled with joy.  We got on a flight to Las Vegas and married. Our parents were furious and refused to talk to us for months. Leo Sachs even threatened to kick Josh from the law firm, and my parents offered to buy me an apartment and help me so that I could bring Alma up as a single mum. They made it very clear that I was not welcome into the Sachs family, and Josh was not the son in law my parents wanted.

We hoped things would be better when Alma was born. Both Josh and I were only kids, and this would be the first grandchild in both families. When I had given birth to my beautiful daughter, the doctors discovered cancer in my placenta, and I had to remove my ovaries. My parents were there for us; Josh's parents were not. Josh got on civil terms with my parents, but they never discussed business or politics, and there was never much love lost between them. After Alma was born, my papa said; What happened in Spain must stay in Spain. Then he buried the family history in a tightly lidded jar. We agreed on never telling Alma – she was innocent in all of this and should be protected.

Josh took Alma to see his parents; he even took her on holiday with them a few times to their Port Hyannis summer house. But I was non-existent for them. I think I met my in-laws four more times before they both died in the 9.11.2001 Twin Tower plane-crash. I didn't go to the memorial service, I didn't feel welcome. After his dad died I begged Josh to quit the law firm, he had nothing more to prove to his dad. I begged him to start working with human rights or environmental issues, but he was so caught up in the system, so he refused my ideas flatly.  I still love him, but I don't love his job. I have tried to teach Alma other values than money - hopefully I have succeeded.

So why am I obsessed with keeping Alma away from Carlos? The Alvarez family knows a lot about the content in the "history jar." It may destroy Alma's already frail relationship with her father if she gets insight into it. The Bech family history is sad, but actually, a history to be proud of. The Sachs history is way less pretty.

Now she is married to Mick – a marriage I have never understood. Yes, they have been best friends since childhood, and yes, it was convenient for Josh and Ben Goldberg that the two tied the knot to secure family stability in the law firm. Always the law firm, Sachs & Goldberg before everything else. 

But was it the best for Alma and Mick? I don't think so. I always thought he was gay, but I don't know for sure.