Starman | BTS 8th Member | *ੈ✩‧₊˚(editing)

23.

i was ripped out of my dream, my mind was desperately trying to recognise my surroundings. at the same time, i realised i wasn't breathing. it was like someone was sitting on my chest. i clawed at my chest, trying to choke out a breath. all i could hear was my heartbeat, loud in my ear. then the rushing of blood in my ears. i sat up with great difficulty but the weight slowly disappeared, allowing me to gulp in air.

i can't remember my dream. it's very rare that i do. so i never have a clear idea of what I'm afraid of. that's the worst part. i have no idea what scared me so much.  

however tonight, i have a general idea of what it was about. just to be sure i checked my hands. one of the only things i remember was my hands being covered with blood. it was one of the only things i could remember. tiny frames like a movie.

The running red liquid in my dreams never clotted or dried. It was always there.

i can also remember the people. they're only shapes but i know who and what they're. dark forms. the most real thing about them is their voices and smells.  

i slowly reached for my pillow i was starting to feel burning in my eyes. i didn't want to cry. but what else could i do? there was nothing. i sank my face into my pillow feeling the tears melt into the fabric. my neck ached continuously. the pain bled into my spine, my nerves alight with the burning pain.

I wiped my tears but they kept coming. I was trying to calm down, but i was becoming hysterical. the more i cried the more i thought about the blood vessels in my eyes exploding.

feeling as if i was going to throw up. my body only wanted to expel what was making me so sick. yet it wasn't something i ate it was something i had done. it was inside my head.

i had no idea how long i had my head stuffed into my pillow. it was only when i lifted up my head did i finally see the light of the sun that slowly ascending into the sky. 

then hours later, i heard the first movement for the day. I had calmed down ages ago.

I hesitated at the door rubbing my eyes and hands vigorously. even though i deffinatly knew that wasn't going to help. walking out into the open was possibly the stupidest thing i was going to do.

 i walked in to see hoseok and yoongi sitting at the table and i figured jin must be in the kitchen. Hoseok didn't look at me when i walked in.

it was horrible when i realised, even in this state, i was disappointed that his gaze didn't meet mine. 

I walked into the kitchen looking for jin. Jin was sitting at the breakfast bar, his head resting on his hands.

"Jin?" I peered at him tentatively."Hello jisung" he smiled up at me tiredly. i had clearly caught him dropping off.

His smile slowly disappeared as soon as he saw my face. "are you alright?" his voice turned quiet. my heart skipped at this small action. 

I bit the corner of my cheek and nodded. He gave me a funny look, one full of disbelief. i  sighed looking down at my hands rubbing them together quickly. Jin slid over a plate of toast, gesturing for me to sit down. 

"Are you sure?" Jin asked again, but he knew the answer. I nodded but slower. My hands were sweaty and i swallowed nervously. Jin sighed and patted my head and walked out of the kitchen. 

I finished my toast very slowly before returning to the Living room. I was bored. I felt so restricted, stressed and most importantly, tired.

-

Taehyung and jimin had presumably went to the studio and namjoon and jin wanted to go shopping at some point , something i had heard him planning yesterday. That would leave me in the house with jungkook, hoseok and yoongi. a trio i was less than happy to spend my day with