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My hands shook as I set the test back on my desk.
"I can't be" I paused to take a breath. "I can't be pregnant" I slumped on my bed, running my hands over my face.
This was just great, John and I hadn't been together very long but things were going great. This was the last thing I needed, that we needed. I breathed out and decided what was done is done. I pulled a hoodie over my head and walked to the kitchen to get a snack.
Before I knew it I was on the couch with an entire container of ice cream in my hand, the biggest comfiest blanket I owned wrapped around my shoulders and rewatching the saddest show I had ever seen.
I had made the decision that I wasn't going to let John know anything until I had seen the doctor and made it official. I never put my full trust in those home pregnancy tests.
Getting a good cry out felt amazing even though it didn't change the fact that there was probably a tiny human growing inside of me. As I wiped my eyes my phone went off to tell me I had a text.
'Hey babe, dinner tonight if you're free?' I read in my head.
There were a lot of things I wasn't sure of at the moment, but the one thing that I was sure of was that I was not ready to see John. Both my physical and mental state were not in a steady enough place to be around him. I would have breakdown after breakdown about what would change...about what had already changed.
'Sorry sweetie, I don't feel so good. Rain check?' I texted back quickly, hoping it did the trick.
'Everything ok? I can bring you anything you need'
His words made me want to sob harder. In reality what I really needed was him, I needed his comfort.
'I'm all set, thanks though baby'
I threw my phone to the side and instantly let the sobs take over my body again. My focus shifted from what was on tv to just remembering how to breathe correctly. I hated keeping things from him, but it was for the best until we had complete verification.
I curled myself into a ball and covered myself with the blanket in an attempt to disappear and be alone with my tears. It was only about a half hour until I heard a knock at the door.
I composed myself long enough to answer the door thinking that it was one of my neighbors about the noise. I gasped opening the door to see John.
"Babe" I said shocked.
"What's wrong?" He said with a panicked tone rushing to take my face in his hands. "Have you been crying?"
"John, John I can't" I was able to say before I collapsed into him.
"What's wrong baby? Talk to me" he pleaded.
"I think I'm pregnant" I said into his shoulder.
He was quiet for a second as I let another round of sobs take control. I was half hoping that he hadn't heard me and was waiting for me to repeat myself.
"Are you serious?" He finally said softly.
I nodded my head against his chest.
"Did you take a test?" He asked rubbing my back.
"Yeah, I wanted to see the doctor to get confirmation before I said anything to you" I sobbed into his chest. "What am I going to do?"
"Shhh baby. You're safe now I'm here, ok? This isn't just on you, it's on me too" He hugged me tighter.
We sat in silence a few minutes, him gripping me tightly and me spilling tears onto his shirt.
"Can I come with you?" He finally said quietly.
"What do you mean?" I asked pulling away from him slightly to look at him.
"When you go to the doctor" he said seriously.
"You want to?" I looked at him with wide eyes.
"Of course I do, I want to be there for anything and everything for our baby" he brought his hands to my face rubbing my cheeks with his thumbs.
"Our baby..." I trailed off. "Our baby"
"Yes sweetheart, our baby. Why are you so sad about this?"
"I thought you would be mad, are you mad?" I confessed looking into his eyes.
"Not even a little bit. I could never be mad about you carrying our baby, honey. I love you, and I love them already"
"You do?" My eyes filled with tears again.
"Did you ever doubt that?" He chuckled softly.
"Not even a little bit" I smiled pulling him into a soft kiss.
