Dear Diary, it wasn't love

9

Dear Diary,

I feel like shit.

Mom stayed with me for the better-part of the day yesterday, despite me trying to run her off any chance I could.

Once again, Perri did not come home, so I was left alone with my thoughts all night long. She did however, leave me about thirty-messages and six-voicemails. I know that I should really call her back, but I can't bring myself to. At least, not right now.

I must have stayed up until three-in-the-morning thinking about Ryder. I checked my phone every five-minutes hoping that he would text me...even though he doesn't have my number.

Maybe some part of me was hoping that he'd ask someone for it.

After all, my best friend is dating his best friend, and they are all currently under the same roof.

If he wanted my number, he'd have it.

I cannot believe I got myself into this mess. I told myself before coming to Portland that I would not get involved with anybody; especially during my first-year here. I needed to show some devotion to my passion and focus only on me. Of course, this has proven not to be the case, because I am here spending days-on-end thinking about him any chance I get.

He is definitely charming, that's for sure. He has this gift to know exactly what to say at any given time to make any girl melt. Also, the fact that he's tall, lean and beautiful doesn't make it hard to look at him. In fact, I would say that I am absolutely justified in thinking about him right now, and last night. He convinced me to spend all day with him yesterday, took me to one of his favourite spots, started kissing me in the water, and did everything possible to make me reciprocate, so I did.

I pour myself a cup of coffee before sitting down by my phone, again.

He does not have my number.

I reach for my phone after only one vibration to find the face of my best friend appearing on my screen. Honestly, I don't want to answer her right now but I also am worried about her, so I accept.

"Hey, how's chateau de-la Jasper?" I joke.

"Capri! I have been texting you all night long! I thought maybe Ryder kidnapped you!"

"Uh..."

"I know you spent the day with him yesterday. You are so not off the hook for not telling me! When he finally got back yesterday, we all went to Pogue's Pool Bar down the road from campus and had some drinks. He told us he had spent the day with you; something about a waterfall?"

Pogue's Pool Bar?

"Yeah. It was a wasted day, honestly," I hope that she can't sense the dishonesty in my voice.

"I told him to call you and invite you out with us, but he said that you weren't feeling well and that's why he dropped you home early. Is it a cold?"

Liar.

"Oh, yeah, uh-um I woke up with a bad throat infection yesterday morning. I survived throughout most of the day but it got pretty bad yesterday-afternoon. When are you coming home?" I ask her in hopes of changing the severely depressing topic that only shed light towards my rationalization that Ryder lied to everyone and clearly regrets what happened between us.

"We're actually on our way now!"

"We?" I'm almost afraid for the answer.