to live for the hope of it all.

Chapter 45

December 25th, 2023

"Sweet dreams of holly and ribbon,
Mistakes are forgiven,
And everything is icy and blue,
And you would be there, too..."

Beckett

Bailey got me Noah Kahan tickets.

And I was a major fucking idiot that could live a thousand lifetimes, and still never deserve her.

I've spent the last week schooling myself around her after the talk on the landing. I shut her down, and I felt like such a fucking hypocrite for doing that to her.

But something was wrong and it was getting harder to ignore.

I couldn't place it, but I felt like Wren could. It wasn't my place to push her, but whatever was going on Bailey didn't know about it.

So instead of sharing my suspicions with her, I pulled away. And the look on her face made a new crack in my heart every time.

I'm sorry.

I don't deserve you.

My actions aren't validated at all, but I feel like I can't look at her for too long or she'll see right through me. See how bad this is bothering me.

"Hey."

Spinning around at the sound of her voice, I found Bailey nervously running her hands up and down her arms as she approached me where I stood looking out the window.

Grandpa Matt and Delilah were outside building a snowman while Beau ran around them excitedly, and my mom stood nearby taking pictures with a far away smile on her face.

That's not right.

"Hey," I replied, smiling softly. Bailey made it to me then, but the distance was wider than I would have liked as we stood there silently.

An ocean could have fit between us, and I hated that I was the one who put it there.

You are ruining the one thing you have wanted for years, Beckett.

"Beckett," she said, hesitating and not meeting my eyes as she watched Delilah and Grandpa Matt building. "If uh, if you've changed your mind about whatever this is with us. Then it's okay, I get it, but I don't want things to go back to how they were before we became friends."

Changed my mind? Why would I ever do that?

Of course she thinks that, you dumb fuck.

You kissed her, and then you barely acknowledged her the whole week.

"Bailey, I haven't changed my mind," I told her honestly, and her head spun to mine as I took a step closer. Her eyes went back and forth between mine, and I saw a flicker of relief in hers before she swallowed. "The day we got here, you asked me if everything was okay on the landing upstairs."

"I did," she paused, and her eyes softened. "And you lied, something is wrong. I just assumed it was about me, and you didn't know how to tell me. But then I remembered what you told me about waiting for Wren to come to me, so I tried doing the same with you."

"And I kept pulling away," I said, angry at myself for causing the look on her face. "I'm sorry, Bailey. I'm an asshole."

"No you're not," she rushed, leaning forward to step closer before deciding against it and planting her foot back down with her other. "I don't want to push you either if there is something wrong, but I want to be here for you."