Invincible

sixty

     And no, there wasn’t. Isaac – as Jared had discovered on the ferry - could not hold drink to save his life. He was pretty much smashed by the time Jared even had a pleasant buzz going and this time, without the music, Jared discovered the major difference between sober Isaac and drunk Isaac: sober, Isaac was all mystery; drunk, he was unhesitatingly open, guilessly chatty. Jared wondered if he realised he got like this when he was drunk, and hoped he did. He wanted to believe Isaac had trusted him deliberately.

    “You’re an idiot, you know that,” said Isaac fondly, giving Jared’s swing a little shove.

    “I know.”

    “But still I-” He paused, and smiled, sheepish. “I think you might be my best friend, Jared. You’re kinda an awesome sort of idiot.”

     Jared felt something warm spread through his veins and then he was smiling without even realising he was doing it, throwing this fucking ridiculous beam at Isaac as if the title of ‘Isaac Hanly’s best friend’ was the most prestigious award in the world. All his anger and upset at his family was shrivelling right up under Isaac’s smile, like shadows scared off by the light.

    “Right back atcha, dude,” he said, and his attempt to sound casual failed miserably but he didn’t give a shit. “I think you’re pretty awesome as well.” – he cleared his throat self-consciously – “But then, everybody does. So.”

     Isaac looked like he was about to start laughing at Jared’s discomfort and then his forehead crinkled in confusion.

    “Everybody what?” he asked, and Jared must’ve been drunker than he thought because he answered,

    “Everybody thinks you’re awesome, dude.”

     Isaac really did start laughing, then, but there was an edge to it that Jared hated.

    “No,” said Isaac at last. “Seriously J, no. You should hear what my mother says.”

     Jared found himself bristling at the mere thought of someone being mean to Isaac, giving him that un-Isaac-like edge to his laugh, because Isaac of all people should be happy. And anyone who failed to appreciate him was a fucking moron.

    “Whatever she says, she’s wrong,” he told Isaac forcefully, but Isaac only shook his head. And Jared knew Isaac was not in the right frame of mind to protect his secrets right now, but he couldn’t help asking, “What?”

     A pause. Isaac had stopped laughing now, and when he spoke his voice sounded like it’d been put through a mangle.

    “You know I- I’ve told you before, J, she says I’m going to Hell.”

     Jared only snorted but he felt himself getting angrier and he had a sudden urge – even knowing Isaac’s excuses for her, that she was depressed and struggled through it without counselling - to hunt down Isaac’s mum and punch her for daring to make Isaac sound like that.

    “Oh my god Isaac, seriously. Why the fuck would you go to hell?” he heard himself demanding. “You’re basically fucking perfect. And yes, I sound like some corny Made in Chelsea girl and if you ever repeat that I’ll fucking rip you apart but just. Fuck it. You’re an idiot.”

     Yep, and there was Jared’s pride skipping away into the sunset, a tiny speck on the horizon. But Isaac was smiling a little bit so maybe, just maybe, it was worth it. Jared almost rolled his eyes at his own fucking sentimentality.

     There was silence for a few minutes. Maybe Isaac wouldn’t answer his question, thought Jared. And maybe that was for the best given that sober-Isaac would never have even got this far with the topic.

    “Sleeping pills,” said Isaac suddenly. Jared turned round to see Isaac’s eyes skating over his face, gauging his reaction. When he continued his voice was still slightly slurred, slower but reckless at the same time. “A whole lot of them. So many fucking sleeping pills, J. I stole them from Mam- over- a long time and then I had- lots- and I took them all. At once. And Mam said it was sinful- trying to escape my- cross, like that. Trying to play God. But I just didn’t-”

      He stopped, swallowing. Jared stared at him. No. No. No.

    “Fuck, Isaac,” he choked out at last, thoughts still careering all over the place. “You tried to- when?”

     Isaac looked away from him, down at the ground.

    “June,” he answered in a small voice. “It didn’t work, I mean- obviously. Rosie found me before I meant her to, and they got me to hospital in time to pump it all out or- whatever they did. Mam didn’t want me in her home after that” - he laughed humourlessly, all sarcasm and bitterness – “but my dad persuaded her. Luckily for me.”

     And Jared couldn’t even remember the last time he’d hugged voluntarily but suddenly he was reaching over to Isaac’s swing and pulling it closer and pulling Isaac closer and it wasn’t even a manly hug, it was one that screamed don’t go never go don’t you fucking dare leave me you fucking idiot.

    “Fuck, Isaac,” he said again, but this time the words were muffled against Isaac’s hoodie. Isaac’s fake brashness dropped, and he squeezed Jared closer and mumbled-

    “I just didn’t want to have to think anymore.”