Bianca di Angelo & The Olympians

Told Doesn't Mean Taught

Annabeth POV

Have you ever thought about the idea of grief?

I have. A lot. It's a form of hindsight, or at least it originates from it. Looking back on something, and regretting that something, is what causes grief. When I first looked into it, I had asked Luke what grief was, because at the time we had been on the run. He told me, 'Grief is like the worst form of sadness, it's unexpected. You can't prepare for grief.'

As a daughter of Athena, naturally, I had argued, 'You can prepare for anything, you just have to try hard enough.' He would smile and shake his head, shrugging, telling me that I was wiser than he would ever be, so you never know. His eyes would glimmer when I did things like that, not like you would expect from an average 14 year old. Like he knew I was special.

14. Maybe I understood what Luke meant now. Now that I was at the age he had been. Grief came from love.

Again, as a daughter of Athena, love had always seemed so useless. An unnecessary risk. I had loved Luke. I still did. Maybe it wasn't because I had wanted to kiss him, but it was still there, with lots of support behind it. I love Thalia. She sacrificed herself for me and Luke, and Grover too, but that's not the point.

The point is, when Thalia died, a little part of me broke away. It was unexpected, I couldn't stop it, I hadn't prepared for it. I hated it.

Eventually, I found a way to fix it. By ignoring it. By distracting myself so much that the piece that had broken away would sneak back in place. So I did. I learned to fight, to be a perfect strategist, to know not only two but three languages fluently, because if I stopped, I knew I would never turn back.

Momentum was what kept me going. But alas, I couldn't avoid everything by ignoring it. You can't ignore love, and therefore you can't avoid grief.

That was something Luke had told her.

That was something Bianca had taught her.

But I hadn't truly learned until it was too late. Because when I realized that I loved Bianca, I did what I always did. I distracted myself. I ignored it. And for three months I kept telling myself that this was better, because I couldn't get hurt, not here, not now. Not when I had finally gotten Thalia back. I couldn't lose her again.

And fuck if it did not crush my heart to have Bianca yelling at me now. It hurt. A lot.

"Vaffanculo." Fuck you.

That was probably what caused the hurt. The unrequitedness of grief. Of course she hated me, why had I thought any different? It was Luke 2.0.

"What was that? Annie?" Thalia asked.

I tried to respond, I really did. But it was hollow, my voice, my thoughts. "I'm okay."

She stepped in front of me. Thalia looked at my eyes, and how they didn't meet hers, not truly. "Annabeth? I need you to focus on me, can you do that?"

My fucking gods. I had done it again. I had thrown away another person. As fucking always. "I'm okay."

"Are you with me yet? Just focus on my eyes, okay?"

I had fucked up. I had messed it up. So. So. So. Bad. "I'm okay."

"Annabeth Chase, you are not okay."

I have to tell myself that though. Even if it is a lie I tell myself to sleep at night. "I-" A few shuddering breaths, "I-" Again, "I'm so- sor- sorry- I'm sor- I'm sorry."

I did this thing sometimes. I just got so lost in my own head that I default to 'I'm okay'. Not that I think anyone would believe me. But usually people just were too scared of me that they didn't question the lackluster answer. And that was just when they asked, because most of the time, they never did.

Thalia knew this. It was something I had always had, especially on the run. Luke had always been there too, but he would be the one to keep watch, to fight monsters, while Thalia made sure I was better.

So it was a huge rock of deja-vu when I found myself taking sharp gasps into the same girls shoulders.

After a while, when I had calmed myself, and my brain started moving again, Thalia swallowed and asked, "You never told anyone about those... did you?" I shook my head. The implications must have been a lot for her. It meant the only person I could lean on was Luke. Only for the past 2 years or so had I relied on myself the way I relied on myself with everything else.

I hadn't had a phase like that in a long while. Not since I was 13, in the summer of 05, when Luke betrayed me and I started having nightmares about him. About Bianca killing him.

I had always had those dreams, every once in a while. But it was after August that the nightmare was about Luke killing her. About Percy, or my mother, or anyone really, killing her. And I couldn't help it.

But no matter how hard I pushed her away, the nightmares were always there. Always. A lot.

"Back in... in August, when- after the quest. I was thinking about- about Luke- about Luke. And why he did why he did." I looked up, and met Thalia's eyes. "And, well, he left because the gods were bad, because he thought that the Titans were better. They aren't. They're both... omnipotent, all powerful beings, just fighting for who is more stuck-up. But others, they- they will believe Luke. The campers will join his cause, it won't stop, ever. But they. Need. You."

She shook her head,"Annabeth, I wouldn't betray the gods, even if they are assholes."

"No- there's a- a- prophecy. Saying that the next... the next child of the big three to hit 16 will decide the fate of the gods. That is why Hades was after you. He- wait, did I tell you about the di Angelos?" She nodded. Huh. Must have been in the early stages, right after the kiss, when things were good between me and Bianca. "Well, he had Bianca, but she was 12, like you, just slightly older. But to make sure that when he pulled them out of the hotel that she would be the first to turn 16, he tried to kill you."

Bianca was inadvertently the reason Thalia had been turned into a tree. But it wasn't her fault.

"And when we were talking one night, we realized that the world would be better off without gods. No titans, no gods, just the world. We don't need the gods, not truly. Gods fade, but the things they stand for, they're still there."

She looked off to the side in thought, which led me into what I said next.

"We kissed." Thalia's eyes widened, "Probably an hour before I found you on the hill. That was what the argument was about, if you were wondering. I had freaked out and I had pushed her away, and I feel fucking empty because of it. I- I- I- don't even know where to start with fixing it. I don't think I can."

Then Thalia did something that shocked me. She, with a small smile on her face, scoffed. "That explains a lot. Like why she asks about you constantly." Why would she ask about me? Wants to see how much of a bitch I am, I guess, "She cares about you, even if she is rightfully pissed at you too. She cares about you more than I could even see, because she wouldn't ask about you, or yell at you if she didn't care. Don't push that away because you're scared of getting hurt."

I shook my head, "It's an- an unnecessary risk."

She shrugged. "You're right. Stupid risks are what gets people like Luke where they are. But that right there? That is a risk you should take."

After I stopped for a moment, I actually laughed. It was a dark laugh, sure, but it was a laugh regardless. "I was supposed to be telling you about how the immortals suck, but instead I...I dunno what's even going on anymore."

"Hey, It's not your fault I got shoved into an episode of Keeping up with the Di Angelos." Thalia said with a smile.

"Anyway, yeah. So, I'm gonna be alone for a minute." She protested a bit, before finally relenting and leaving.

I needed to be alone. That was the one thing that I, Annabeth Chase, could control.

I, er, imitated a personal reaction I've had in real life in this. I don't know if this is what people actually diagnosed with anxiety react, but I gave it my best.

Please don't hate me, I am trying. Have a good day!