How To Fit A Misfit?

Chapter 18: It's Okay Not To Be Okay

I was literally running my way back home. I felt devastated. They were my best friends.

I was panting heavily and as my home came nearer, I started to cry. I was unable to hold it anymore.

I hurriedly rushed to the door, then I tripped and fell on the doorsteps. I had no strength left inside me to get up, so I just lied there and wailed.

I hurriedly texted my mom to get back soon.

I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think of anything and then I threw up.

"Need some help kid?"

I turned back, it was Mr. Braswell offering me his hand.

"Go away!!!!! I don't need anyone's help!! I'm not a PARASITE!!!!! I yelled.

"We all need help some of the other time kid, that doesn't make us a 'parasite'." He said in a comforting tone and then he sat beside me on the doorsteps.

"I DONT WANT YOU TO PITTY ON MY MISERABLE CONDITIONS. I DON'T WANT ANYONE TO HELP ME!!!

"Calm down kid, I know things can get rough."

"What do you know about me? What do know about what happened to me? I'm nothing but an anxious mess!! They hate me, everyone hates me, and you know what, they even made me hate me!!! I spent my entire childhood being bullied. Then when I grew up, I was always told that there's something wrong with me, I need to change, I need to get outta my shell, I need to speak up, tried hard to change!!! But you know what? I failed. Changing yourself is the most painful and the hardest thing anyone can ever do!!! And I failed!! Now I'll spent my entire adulthood hating me!!"

"Why do you want to change yourself?"

"Because they made me believe that there's something wrong with me. No one is born hating themselves!! No one is born with anxiety!! They're made so."

"You know what kid, 'your story may not have such a happy beginning but that doesn't make you who you're, it is the rest of the story what you choose to become."

I rolled my eyes.

Then he added,"look I know this is a 'kung fu panda' dialogue but try to understand what I mean."

He continued," you tried to change yourself because you thought people dislike you. But you know what, no matter how hard you try, you can't make everyone around you satisfied. You'll do one thing, they'll desire for other, and this will never end. So why don't you focus on being who you want to be instead, and make yourself happy?"

"But no one will accept me this way. My friends didn't, my family didn't. I'll never able to fit in. I'll never be able to be like everyone else. I don't understand that
'how to fit a misfit' like me in this world." I said.

"Do you know who is Michael Milton?" He asked

"No"

"He is one-legged skier and cyclist. He was also a misfit, he wasn't like everybody else, but yet he is successful, loved, respected and is inspiration of thousands."

"And do you know who are Louise Braille, Hellen Keller and Stephan Hawkins?" He asked again.

"Yes", I replied.

"They were all different neither they changed themselves yet you won't find a singal person in this entire planet who doesn't respect them.... They're loved by all. People accepted them, they survived in this world with pride, now why do you think people will not accept you ?"

"Because not everyone is destined to greatness like them," I replied.

He after a small pause said,"have you ever seen a big manual about how a person should live his or her life? No, right? Because there's no such manual. We're allowed to be whoever we want to be, unapologitically. Why do you seek other's validation? You're you, you were born like this because you were suppose to be like this. The only person you've from the starting of your life till the end, is you. Then why do you take yourself for granted."

He continued," and you should be proud of yourself. Not everyone starts a campaign for street dogs, not everyone adopts a one-eyed dog, not everyone gets mentioned in Elice Mist's post".

"How do you know about that?" I asked.

"Your mom told me", he replied.

I made a mental note to argue about that with my mom later.

"That Elice Mist's post was a big deal for me.......um... I always wanted to be a journalist. But I can't, you know? Journalism is about putting your opinions forward, being confident and I don't have anything like that in me." I said.

He gave me a small, decent smile than said,"have you ever seen an infant do a surgery? No, right? No one is born knowing everything, being capable of doing everything. But all they do is have faith in themselves and this faith makes their dreams come true. You'll learn, you'll fall, you'll achieve, it's your dream Hazel, and it's your responsibility to make it reality. Give your dream a try."

I gave a small smile. I was feeling light and happy. Then thought of Susan and Emily struck my mind, my smile disappeared.

"What happened now?" He asked.

"My friends make me feel bad about my insecurities. They make me feel vulnerable. They make me feel guilty about my boundaries." I said, sadly.

"They're not your friends then. The wrong people will always make you feel, like you're a burden. The day you find the right people, that day all your boundaries and insecurities will be considered valid."

I added," you may not believe this, but I loved my friends, both of them, I really did. Maybe they reacted this way because I'm not fun loving like them."

"Fun is what? Fun is anything that helps your brain release dopamine. Now fun can be anything you want it to be, fun can be loud or quiet, your wish. You may feel sad that you didn't receive what you expected from your friends but one day you'll receive it, trust yourself and your destiny."

We both were quiet for a while. I was processing everything he said.

After a while I said,"so 'hanging out with neighbours' isn't that bad afterall."

We both gave a small laugh.

After five minutes my mom's car arrived.

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Hope you feel motivated,
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