What's for Breakfast?

Twenty-Two: I Hate You

It's the second night since we've had that fight. As I have prophesied, Derek never called. I often find myself checking my phone from time to time, wishing he'd at least make an effort to speak to me. It's mental torture. I feel so pathetic and unwanted.

I'm lying on my bed, my eyes puffy from crying. I'm tired of saying I'm letting go. Why am I still shedding tears over him?

And why did I even reminisce about our prom night? It's only one of those times when I developed a crush on Derek again. At least before I met Jim. It's a silly memory. Kate came and reminded me of my place, and I never heard what Derek wanted to say. He remained silent throughout the ride home, and I didn't have the courage to bring it up either.

After that night, Derek and I didn't see each other for another month. Our paths crossed again at my graduation, and we exchanged our usual childish remarks as if nothing happened. So, I deemed then it was just me. Bye, crush.

Jim dumped me a few weeks after graduation, right after I introduced him to my family. Perhaps it was a mistake introducing him so soon, just a month into our relationship. Jim said we were off to university anyway. High school sweethearts never last. He ended his break-up text with a: You're too good for me and you deserve a better man.

He was my third.

I should be used to this by now. Being dumped, I mean. But I guess this one badly hurts because this time, it's more than just a summer fling, a high school crush... A blind date. This time it's someone who's been a part of my life. This time is different because it is real.

******

The next few days are more depressing, and meeting Kurt is also emotionally draining. I try to avoid him by deliberately skipping team dinners unless they're absolutely necessary. He often attempts to talk to me by bringing up work-related stuff, but I refuse to interact with him longer than I should. I don't want him to think he has a chance.

I do my best to be professional. The job isn't about me, and all the issues I have with Kurt can be set aside for the sake of the project. Unfortunately, he's persistent.

I'm fixing my things after the meeting has officially ended when Kurt approaches me. "Sam," he says. "Can we talk?"

"What is it?" I ask without looking up.

"Can we not do it here?"

Taking a deep breath, I straighten my back and shoot him a nonchalant look. "Kurt, I... I don't think we have anything to talk about."

"Sam, please. We're still friends, right?"

That hits me. He's using the 'friend' card. To be fair, he didn't say anything wrong, and now that I think about it, our conversation back then was cut short. He was supposed to tell me something.

"Yes... Kurt. I guess we still are."

My phone beeps, so I excuse myself. It's from Patrick. He says there will be a fitting today. My stomach hardens at the thought of seeing Derek. I miss him immensely... It's maddening. I wish I could just forget him.

"I can't talk, Kurt. I need to go somewhere—"

"Sam, I want to wait."

This is my fault. I shouldn't have led him on. I should've told him from the very start that what we had is over.

I press my lips together.

"No, Kurt, you were right. I... I have feelings for Derek," I admit. "We're not together, but I don't think you and I will work out because I really like him. There's nothing for you to wait for."