What we yearn for (unedited)

14 Brielle

I feel Anxious with Milan standing in the middle of my apartment. 

Well, that and arousal. And it was all simply by being his presence; by looking at him. His attire was simple: a forest green hoodie, baggy, dark khaki joggers, and Nike dunk lows where the swoosh accent was the same hue as his hoodie. He takes the black slouchy beanie pulled tightly over his long hair off though, after a moment of standing in front of me.

Maybe it's the way hes slowly dragging his eyes up and down from my head to toe; I note the lingering look he gives my breast. I find it strange because I feel like I look ridiculous in this simple grey robe.

Annoyed doesn't event begin to describe how I am with myself right now.

 I wanted to talk to Milan properly (and eventually). Instead, my mind is blank as far as figuring out what would be appropriate to say. And I'm stuck staring at him while battling these strange feelings inside.

Suddenly, theirs a soft ring form my phone that jolts us from our staring contest. My eyes pull to my phone that sits on the table in my kitchen area.

"Go ahead," Milan tells me." I don't have any plans today. I'll wait for you to finish." Instead of waiting for an answer from me, Milan walks off into my living room.

I have to push down the minor spike of excitement at what he's just told me. I'm playing with the idea and the fact that he was mine for the morning.

He was...mine.

A smile urges itself to my lips.

Ugh.

I don't even want to explore why that word makes me feel all giddy inside. But I Know I need to take step back from that word and focus on the realistic. 

Yes, Milan and I had sex. And yes, we were spending some time together to talk it out, But I have to admit is rather shocking that he wants to engage in it. Either way at the end of all this I don't expect much could come from it. not that I actually wanted an actual relationship, but let's say I played with the idea for a bit. Let's even add Milan to the mix as a potential suitor: It couldn't work.

I had emotional baggage given to me by my family that I was still learning to unpack on  my own. And although I found myself attractive, I knew could not compete with the models Milan was constantly surrounded by. Moreover, even though I've come to like motherhood, I was still a single mother in the early thirties. anyone I would have to assume what came with that territory. And that wasn't for everyone.

 I couldn't imagine someone (especially in this day and age) in their mid-twenties would want to stick around with someone like me. 

But one battle at a time

When I pick up my phone, I see the name "Tereza" sprawled across the screen. It hits me immediately that I never really got in touch with her to let her know I got 'home' safe. Which was a common decorum for us since we started hanging out. She must be worried.

"Hello?" I say, bringing the phone to my ear.

"She's alive!" Tereza chuckles. "Way to text me."

Even though she can't see me physically, I sag my shoulders at my being forgetful...even though I had reason.

"Sorry about that. When I got up this morning I didn't think, I nearly overslept and rushed over to your aunt's house to pick up Eli. I had to take a cab and practically have him speed down the streets."

...all the way from your brother's house.

"Don't worry about it.  Not like I texted you guys to let you know if I got upstairs safely. I kind of fell asleep outside my hotel room door. for the life of me I could not find my keys. I didn't want to wake Nadine, so sleeping at more door seemed logical at the moment."