Just for This Year

Chapter Thirty-One

Tuesday
November 5th

5 Days After

Lila wasn't sleeping.

Every time she tried, she would see her brother's bloody body hanging limply from their car.

She snuck into his room almost every night since it happened. She would only go in for about a minute, just long enough to remind herself that Sam was fine. He was alive and in the room next to her own. She knew that if he ever found out, she'd never hear the end of it. But she had to check for sure, because she didn't trust her mind.

She still hadn't spoken to her mother. She was doing everything she could to avoid her. Lila supposed she was lucky that Lorena was a nurse and that her hours were a bit all over the place. It meant she could avoid her easily. She knew Sam was trying to be good about it. He didn't want to push her until she was ready. But to be honest, Lila wasn't sure she would ever be ready for that conversation.

It felt like she was making all the wrong decisions, but she couldn't stop herself. She had always been impulsive and quick to react. And lately, it felt like every decision she was making was the wrong one. She wanted to do better. So badly. But she couldn't. She wanted to be good. She wished she could be more like her sister.

Scarlett was everything she wasn't. She knew how to keep her composure, but she knew when to lose it too. Her reactions were never out of her own control, even if they seemed larger than how someone else would react. She was in control of who she was. She never was never at the will of her own emotions. Lila envied her sister in that way.

Lila just wanted to be good. But she didn't know how. Not when she couldn't stop feeling like a dark shadow was wrapping around her throat, choking her until she was gasping for air.

Just like she did a few weeks ago, she found herself staring at her school. She wanted to be anywhere else but here. Lila hated being here without Sam, and he was still home recovering from the crash. Selfishly, she just wanted Sam to be by her side. She despises the idea of being here without him. She knew people would be asking how he was, and she honestly just didn't want to be reminded of that night over and over.

She hadn't even been attending football practice. She knew she owed Coach Graham an explanation, but she just couldn't do any of it anymore. She could hardly focus on herself let alone a freaking sport. She assumed someone on the team had been kicking since she hadn't been showing up, but she found it hard to care too much. Teddy had texted her a few times to see where she was, but she didn't have the energy to answer. She just couldn't do any of it.

School was the last place she wanted to be right now. There was no way in hell she was going in there.

But she was stuck. Their car was in the shop after the crash, and it would be for weeks as they repaired the damage. Lila wasn't even sure they could repair it. It would probably be worth it to just start saving for a new car, but Lorena insisted. Lila had taken the bus that morning, and there was no way to leave unless she walked. But that was looking more appealing than staying here.

But as if the universe was finally throwing her a bone, a voice behind her shouted, "We've got to stop meeting like this, Alvarez."

Lila knew exactly who it was before she turned around. She let herself smile momentarily. Out of her peripheral vision, she saw the quarterback step next to her, staring at the school in the same disdain that she was.

She hasn't talked to Ashton since Halloween and the hospital. She had no idea if he knew about her being adopted. The thought made her squirm. She couldn't decide if she wanted him to know or not. Ashton was complicated— her feelings around him even more so. She couldn't decide if things were happening too fast or at a snail's pace. But one thing she knew, begrudgingly, was that there was something inside her that was happy he was here with her.