My Forever and Always (The Phantom of The Opera)

Chapter 38 - His Inner Demons

Art Credits - @tiancheng0523 on instagram  (Author's Note: Erik as a manga character is so dreamy, good Lord.)

Clarissa's POV

"You know what, however much that creepy-as-fuck doll costed, I'll compensate for it. I just got my salary here." I said, while making eye contact with him in the mirror reflection.

"Clarissa, why did you-"

"DON'T START WITH ME ERIK. I'm done with you. This is simply insane. Here I was getting all giddy over what happened at that terrace but now, now I feel like I should never see you again. GOODBYE."

My throat was feeling choky, I was about to cry and breakdown. But I did my best to hold my stern expression and walk away with pride. Aziel was after all correct. This man did have the intent to kill, he was obsessive, crazy and downright manipulative. How could I become so vulnerable and expect him to reciprocate my emotions.

That's when Erik grabbed me and hugged me from behind. I let out a frustrated groan.

"Now don't try to pull me into this bullshit again Erik. I want no part in this. The least you can do is let me get out of here with no hassle." I said.

"Please, my dear, I can explain. Don't leave me. You have no idea how I've been feeling since that night. I didn't know this would happen. I was so enraged when that man took you away. I was worried about your well-being. I was frustrated to the point of madness when I couldn't get news of whether you were alright. Please, my love. Don't" I felt Erik quiver against my neck. I couldn't take this anymore. I broke away from his grasp and turned around.

I pushed him back, hitting his chest.

"Then tell me, what the fuck is that abomination doing here? Why are you so hell bent on this obsession? Did I not tell you last time that this was wrong. This is downright disgusting on so many levels. If I didn't love you, I'd already be ready to kill you and drag you to jail. You have no right to stalk, blackmail, obsess, threaten and destroy Christine like that. How dare you! And here I was thinking that you are worthy of a chance to redemption. But NO. Thank you, for letting me know." I vent out.

Erik: What could I do? What could I ever do? You know very well why I am like this. You know when I finally see an escape, an escape from this life worse than death, I can't help but hold on to it with everything I can. I didn't have the strength in me to get rid of Christine. I don't see any purpose in this life if I can not possess her. My heart and my mind are not at peace with each other. I can not let go of the fact that I have to completely lose Christine from my grasp. For decades now she has been my only source of light in a world that showed no compassion to me.

Clarissa: Oh, shut it. You are not the victim of your past. You let yourself be engulfed by those twisted, cruel and dark thoughts of yours. I should have known better when you decided to follow Christine and Raoul up to the terrace. I should have know better when you tried to pull this same 'obsessive and controlling' bullshit on me ten years ago. I should have know how you are completely incapable of love. You have no right to feel anyone's affection, care, respect or trust. You have dragged yourself way beneath those humane emotions. And that is the only truth.

Erik: NO, YOU CAN NOT SAY THAT. You promised me you will never leave me.

Clarissa: Yes, I did, but I was so wrong about you. I fell in love with a version of you that I don't see anymore. I fell in love with the man who feels like a distant dream now. The truth is that you are narcissistic, self-obsessed and suffer from some sort of God-complex. You believe that Christine and the whole Opera Populaire is yours to control and own. When you saw Christine slipping away from your treacherous plans and finding an escape, your delusion started to break down. You could not bear to accept that everyone's existence is not a way to fulfil your desires or compensate for your personal trauma. You are impossible.

Erik: And just what do you think you are doing right now? Who are you to lecture me when toying with my emotions is exactly what you've done since you met me, and you still continue to do!

Clarissa: Oh, really? Then tell me, what do you believe is the purpose that Christine serves? Why do you think you have the right to punish her for not doing what you want her to do? When Christine was slipping away, you saw my love, my vulnerability as nothing but a crutch. I am nothing but a back-up for you. You think I can possibly fill in the place if Christine gets too far away. Isn't that right Erik? You tried that with me 10 years ago, and ten years later you still haven't changed. Christine is the new victim. Your affection for others is only self-serving, not selfless. Can you deny the fact that your actions that night were affected by the rejection you felt from Christine? That you saw me as the immediate next best alternative?

(Erik shook his head and walked up to me, grabbing my shoulders.)

Erik: STOP IT. Stop talking to me in that manner, you are scaring me. Can you not feel my love? Look into my eyes and say that you don't see my love for you in them. How could you accuse me of being incapable of love? Am I so wrong for facing difficulties in forgetting one thing that I've been swamped with for years? It was you who told me that you will give me a chance, and now you are stealing that hope away right in front of me. WHY?

Clarissa: Because I have every right to protect myself, that's why. I have grown up in a space where I felt love, and trust me, whatever screwed up vision of love you have in your head, I will never put up with it. I will do everything in my power to protect Christine and myself. I am not obliged to save you. I will not be a pawn. If you believe that you'll keep up with your obsessive plans, I'll shatter each one of them just like that mannequin of yours.

Erik dropped to his knees upon hearing my words. I showed no remorse or emotion. I was done, so done with this. Here I was, foolishly gambling everything to be with this man. But he only knows how to hurt and destruct. Maybe I am too late in reaching him, the darkness has taken over him completely.

Erik reached a hand out to me, as if he couldn't muster any strength to get up and walk over, as if the biggest turmoil has tipped over him and he cannot pull himself up.  

Erik: Please, my love, I beg of you, don't do this to me again. I can not bear this pain again, I feel like I will die. Clarissa, being with you was the closest I've ever reached to a life worth living. Don't hurt me this way. I am in so much pain, can't you see that?

His words were making me weak, a part of me was screaming to run back to him. But another part of me felt completely numb.

Clarissa: Of course, you still believe I am the one who is hurting you and not the other way around. As if I am the one who had power here and you are, like you always want to believe, the victim. Do me a favour Erik, never show yourself to me. Stay cooped with the sewer rats in this place buried underneath a civil society. You will only earn the right to be back in my life when you know what you've done wrong. Goodbye, Erik.

I walk away, trying my best to not let a single tear spill. I think it's about time I should stop crying over this man. A decade of crying was obviously too long. He clearly doesn't want my tears or emotions. After all I will never fit into his vision of a utopian future, I'm not his angelic and perfect pawn. 

I left for the hidden stairs, while his wails and sobs echoed all across the cavernous halls.