On The Ice

- Chapter 31 -

Major tw!

Sienna

"Xavier, please tell me what you're thinking." I ask him again, he honestly looks like he is about to start crying. I reach out for his hand and when I make contact, he flinches.

He flinched when I touched him, he has never, ever done that before. What the fuck is going on?

"I don't want you to end up like my mom." He's not making eye contact with me anymore, it's like he's refusing to look at me, I genuinely think that hurts more then anything he's about to say.

"What do you mean?" I ask him softly, making sure not to change my tone. I don't see how it'd help.

"What if it kills you."

"It? What do you mean?" I don't quite get what's he's on about honestly.

"If you were hypothetically pregnant, what if it killed you. Like I did to my mom." He mutters, but perfectly loud enough for me to hear. "Love, you didn't do that, you were 9 when she died."

"Maybe not but I definitely pushed her in that direction." He spits, almost as if he's reliving a bad memory and I guess he is, he looks disgusted. "My mom didn't want kids, my dad knew this, he'd force himself on her until she got pregnant with me. She tried to hide it as long as she could, she tried countless times to get rid of me. Which clearly didn't work, so once I was born she was pushed into depression. That was the beginning of her spiralling. Then when I was 8 she still wasn't out of her depression, she barely interacted with me ever. When she did she was closed off, but I still cared for her, y'know? Before she got sick my dad has begged her for months for another kid, apparently I wasn't good enough for him so he needed another kid to fill the void."

He stops, the way he's looking around the room, it's clearly to collect himself. "Again, she refused, but clearly history repeats its self and she got pregnant again. As she did with me she tried everything, she knew my dad wouldn't let her get an abortion. So she would try anything else, once she got to full term she died giving birth. The baby was making her sick, no matter how much she wished it was the other way around. But clearly my dad got his needs met in other places."

I genuinely to feel like an asshole. We may call each other that jokingly all the time but I really do feel like one right now. I forced this out of him when he clearly wasn't ready. I know we need to communicate, but not like this, not me forcing it out of him.

"Happy? You got what you wanted?"

"Xavier.. I'm so fucking sorry." I tell him, he looks pissed, understandably. He sighs heavily while shaking his head and he walks away, I assume to the kitchen because that is what is in the direction he's walking in.

"Love, please come sit back down." I beg him, noticing what he's grabbing for. "Alcohol, won't fix your problems. I know we aren't good at communicating but we can figure this out together, we have before."

"You sound like my therapist." He murmurs, swirling his drink in the glass. I deserve that, I did compare him to my brothers.

"He was trying to help you, I understand that you don't like questions love, but when this is what it leads to sometimes you do need to talk about these things." I lean against the counter, I know compared to other peoples wedding night, this seems shitty. Maybe at one point I would've let that get to my head and I'd start overthinking. I may have thought that this was wrong, which is why we're doing this now and not literally any other time. Honestly I've learnt that learning these sort of things about him really does take time.

A lot of people have trauma, a lot of the time they wont or don't want to talk about it. However with time, and with the right person, they'll want to. If they don't want to talk about it, don't force it and don't be annoyed at them if they won't tell you. It takes time but if they do talk to you about it, support them, don't push them away. I guess that's just something I've learnt.

"Thank you, for telling me and not keeping it in." I want to move closer to him, I want to hug him and tell him what he's feeling is okay. But honestly, I don't know what is boundaries are right now. I hear him hum slightly, as if he can't actually form a response. "What are you thinking?" 

He stands up straight, putting his glass back onto the counter, "I don't really know."

"That's okay." I nod at him, he's still not looking at me, I think he's looking out the window but he's been looking around the room constantly. "Can I hug you?" I ask him softly, that gets him to look at me, he has a really guilty look on his face, I don't quite understand why.

"Why would you ask me?"

"I didn't want to push any boundaries." I shrug slightly, inching closer to him. "I didn't want to make you uncomfortable." I add, looking up at him before I hug him. He doesn't respond, he just pulls me closer, I think we both need this right now.

"I'm sorry." He whispers as he presses a kiss to my forehead.

"Don't apologise, please."

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We've done literally nothing all morning, it's not like I planned on doing anything, it's been a long start to the year and we need a break. This is supposed to be us starting the break, and if doing nothing is the way to do it, so be it. Honestly, I do love doing nothing.

I mean Xavier made us breakfast, no matter how many times I told him I'd do it, to be fair when we actually have time do ourselves during the season that is one of the conversations we have. It makes us sound so boring, huh?

"I got you something." He says, standing up, grabbing my hand to pull me to my feet. "You didn't have to get me anything?" I tell him, following him to the kitchen.

"I felt like it." He shrugs, gesturing for me to sit down at the dining table. "Plus you need them anyways." He reaches behind me, it's been there the whole time and I didn't notice? It's perfectly wrapped too, I can wrap for shit so I really don't know how he does it. He slides it onto my lap, "You really didn't have to."

"It'll be worth it." He says, waiting for me to unwrap it, whatever it is it's heavy. Like not too heavy but it's not anything light. "I was going to give you them for your birthday, I just figured you'd appreciate them more now."

I tear away the paper gently and its a box, which could mean a lot of things, I'm trying not to think too hard about it. I place the paper on the table next to me and open the box. "Xaiver. You didn't!"

"I did." He's smiling as he watches me, I know skates are skates, but I've never had some like these, fully custom skates. At first glance they look like figure skates, I've wanted white skates for years. When you think of hockey skates you just think black. I never thought I'd actually have white skates again. 

"Are you fucking kidding me? They're perfect." Hockey skates aren't pretty, these are. "How did you know?"

"I always catch you looking at figure skates longer then hockey skates, I figured you liked them more, plus you always complain about yours." I think he notices these things more then I do, hockey has been my life for years but I do wonder sometimes how different my life would've been if I didn't get injured.

"Thank you, thank you. I love you so fucking much." I put them on the table gently before leaning over to hug him. I do genuinely think these are the best present I've gotten, ever. I don't think anything could top this. 

To most people this looks like a present that anyone could get anyone, I think it means a lot more to me for reasons I can't really explain.

"I'm glad you like them."

"Are you kidding? I love them, thank you."