RAGE: Consume Me || BWWM

13

Rowan sat in his study, observing Amira as she stared off into space—blinking occasionally. Although Rowan had no sessions for today, Amira didn't mind sitting in submission. Hell, it was her idea. She wanted to see if the silence would help her relax.

But as time went on, Amira quickly realized her mistake. She normally felt at peace in submission: it was like a form of meditation. But her thoughts were all over the place today, and she couldn't calm her mind enough to focus on her breathing. The silence gave Amira no choice but to think of the situation with Eliza. And she couldn't help but dissect their last encounter, cursing herself for not having the guts to tell Rowan yet.

Amira was deep in thought when Rowan called her name. She almost didn't hear him, which led her to have a delayed reaction. He then instructed her to come to him, and she stopped just shy of his feet.

"You've been sitting for hours. Do you need to pee?"

"No, sir."

"Are you hungry?"

"No, sir."

"Are you tired?"

"No, sir."

Rowan didn't like her responses. She should've at least been hungry since she didn't eat breakfast. 

"You can drop the formalities, Amira," he said. She nodded before resting her head against his knee.

"I didn't put you into submission."

"I know, but I thought it would help me relax."

"And did it?"

"No," she shook her head. "It did the opposite, and now I can't calm my thoughts."

"Why? What's on your mind?"

"You," she stated.

"What did I do?"

"Nothing, I've just been thinking."

"About what, Amira?" He pulled her into his lap, facing him.

"About how much I appreciate you."

"But you said you couldn't relax. Does thinking about how much you appreciate me cause turmoil?"

"No."

"Then I'm not understanding."

Amira sighed as she wrapped her arms around his neck. "Are you content with your life—are you satisfied with what you have and who you are as a person?"

"No," he answered quickly. "I thought I was, but I'm not."

"Then what about in the future? What would make you truly content? Starting a family is on that list, but would that make you genuinely happy? Would that help you gain the utmost fulfillment in life?"

Rowan thought for a second, widening his legs to get comfortable. "Starting a family would make me happy, but by your definition, it wouldn't bring me true contentment."

"Why not?"

"Starting a family is only a portion of it. I'd be happy with a kid, Amira, but if you decide you don't want one, I would still be satisfied. But in terms of being content with who I am as a person, that will never happen. I will never be content with myself," he revealed.

Amira pulled back in shock. "Why would you say that?"

"Because it's true." He leaned forward and kissed her.

"But you've come so far in the past few years; how can you be sure you'll never be content?"

Rowan didn't respond. He only shrugged as he stroked Amira's back. He didn't know how to explain it; it was just something he felt.