«A turncoats return»

8| A Secret Revealed

Indonesia's POV

The alarm clock on my night stand clicks, silently and I watch the hand for the seconds move, completely silent myself. I'm sitting on my bed, philosophizing over the things that happened today and over my feelings- ending in me having a conversation with my brain. In other situation I might have considered myself insane, yet now there isn't any room for that kind of thoughts. The shock still runs through my veins. It's not strong, but uncomfortable. Perhaps because I did Netherlands for a long time, but he is a bad person after all.
So that begs the question:

"Why am I so taken back by Neth's official death?"
'You looked up to him even though you got colonized idiot.' My inner thoughts answer me, yet I am having none of that. No way I let my thoughts betray me and my pride like that, it's stupid! Yet, my brain keeps rambling in the most cringe way possible.
'You got to be honest with yourself, he was quite good looking too, don't you think?' the inner voice says, presenting me with a picture of Netherlands, causing me to flush up for a moment and violently shake my head.
"Don't show me those stupid imagines! He murdered my father, my brothers, my people! How could I ever forgive someone like him?! He had no idea what it was like! – "
'Now, now, we both know that this isn't completely too. Those were bloody times and we cannot forget how bad they were, I totally agree with you, myself, yet realistically, we got to look at the Netherland's own loses. For example; his family had their own independence war, after all.'
"Stupid."
'I already stated that it does not excuse his behavior in the past.'
"Then why are going through this then?!"
'Because Netherlands grew as a person and tried to make it up to you as best as he could. He tried changing for the better afterwards, even his personality had a 180 turn after World Wars.'
"Because he finally got colonized himself or what?"
'I don't know the cause, I am your brain. I am just saying that it was perhaps wrong that we never acknowledged his willingness to change himself and make his deeps right.'
"There is no way he 'could have made it up' to me after doing genocide." I argue, getting impatient and furious with myself.
'But I think we could have handled this situation better than simply ignoring it.'
"You are my brain; you realistically don't think. I am just making your voice up. You sound exactly like me too."
'Then why did you made me up in the first place?' my thoughts ask and I am forced to pause for a moment from my angry rambling. I still feel angry at myself, yet there also is some self-doubt. It's true that I've never let Netherlands speak with me, but it hasn't been long enough that I am ready to even think about it.
'I can hear you, you know, it has been 174 Years, how long would you have planned to wait anyways?'
"STOP THAT- " I scoff. Not even safe from my own thoughts, ah Allah.
"I refuse to believe that it is partly my fault that I am shocked at the news. I cannot victim blame myself. I cannot believe you are betraying me like this!"
'I am literally you. I am your moral Code.'
"Shut up."
'I am just saying that now, where it is too late already, we could start trying to figure out how much we actually can forgive and how much not.'
"The amount is Zero. There, done!"
'You are always so dense and hard to work with. You'll have to do it eventually.'
"Do you realize how stupid this sounds?"
'You keep telling yourself that, yet I strongly believe that this step is necessary for our personal growth.'
"Stop talking to me, please."
'I will not.'
"You'll stop talking to me."
'Take it into consideration.'
"SHUT- "

I force my eyes off the clock and I grab my phone in attempt to distract myself. Stupid thoughts, always disturbing me with useless stuff. I scroll through social media a bit, I don't get why Twitter is X now, apparently. I end up in my gallery, looking at a selfie I took a few days ago: Me, Mal, Phil and our new friend. It makes me smile a little yet my thoughts wander back to today... this woman. I don't like her. She is not only uncanny but I feel like she is rude. Why do they spend so much time together? I hate it.
I hate it even more that I barely know him, yet I am so interested. In him as a mystery, but as a person too. He is mute yet so soft and kind. Butterflies dance in my stomach for a moment before the harsh reality almost makes me vomit. Why did she have to come and ruin it all? How am I supposed to get close with him now, eh?
I sigh and lay down, my phone on the sheets besides me. I swear I heard him crying again, just a few minutes ago. It was so quiet and so unnoticeable, yet it was there. This woman comforted him- I heard her mumbling. I didn't understand a word though because of the wall. I scoff in my own pool of jealousness. That should have been me!
I don't like that, but I can't change that I guess...
What if they're dating...?
...they are even sharing a room. They didn't have to, yet the chose to do so.
What a red flag for me. And what if they decide to- I cut my own thoughts off, almost afraid to finish them fully, the realization dawning on me what else could be. To be completely honest, this day cannot get any worse! That's the problem with being in love, I guess. So... I really am in love? This is so awkward. You get jealous really fast. Who could have known that the term 'love' can be so complex with feelings instant of just 'loving' someone in bed? I'm just a mass idiot- not thinking with my brain, aren't I? But to be fair, I never really experienced this before.