«A turncoats return»

24| Lost

Netherlands's POV

I, Luxembourg and Belgium stand outside the house as it is ingulfed by my flames, burning every memory linked to 70 years ago, as well as the corpse of my father. I- I cannot believe he is gone. Murdered, by her. I feel pressed, yet deep down rather happy. I don't think the others would feel similar though, so I better keep myself composed. I make it seem like I am calm and all that, yet in reality I am shaken up as much as the others. I didn't mean to be torn into a fire like that again, especially since I have made it clear to myself to stand by a decision and feeling! Damnit! I take deep breaths, attempting to sort my thoughts, yet it is impossible. The flames on the house burn as rapid as the thoughts spin in my head, making it burn just as bad. As tears slowly stop evaporating from my cheeks, I feel myself in a lack of balance. Blinking tears out my eyes my view gets clearer as well. My sister Belgium is the first of my siblings to break out the state of shock, and the first one other than me to break down, tears streaming over her face. She is visibly upset at the situation, running her hands over her face. I look at her, unsure on how to proceed, yet I huff down next to her, hoping to calm her. I hate her seeing cry like that, especially since it would be my fault as well.
"Belgium I'm... I'm sorry."
"Go away! You Monsters!" she cries out furiously and I immediately step away, my heart sinking, shattering even at her reaction. Though I assume anyone would react like that. It's just my bad luck with people whenever I try to be myself... sad. Pathetic, really.
"Why did you come back?!" she yells.
"I- "
"How did you come back?! This place in impossible to leave or enter in!"
"Why did you even leave in the first place!"
"Belgium- " now Luxembourg too seems concerned, yet Belgie slaps his hand away as he reaches out, the sound is drowned by the feasting fire.
"No! Since y-you came back everything went downhill! You murderer! Now my house is on fire! EVERYTHING! GONE!" she pauses in need to breath, as she had been breathless before.
"You- You should have just stayed away! I hate you!" she screams in a fit of rage with the remaining air in her lungs, the continued breathlessness making her squeal and cut off the last sentence at its end. She takes a step away, struggling to keep balance, gasping repeatedly for air, almost hyperventilating. My sister takes a firmer step afterwards, running away, crying and distraught. I stay frozen in place, looking after her. My sister hates me...
I knew it. I knew this was a bad idea. A pounding headache punishes me for my actions. I turn my head around to my brother, yet he remains silent too, looking back to the burning house, his mind far away his body. Fear makes itself wide in me like an electric shock, Belgium is going to tell everyone! It'll be just like before if everyone finds out! And nothing will have changed! They'll treat me just as bad. I-I don't want that! My legs feel weak under the stress and pressure and I sink to ground, exhausted. I have been exhausted all week; it is beginning to drive me insane. I have just burned, and I'm afraid of doing that again.
"L-Luxembourg- " I stutter, suddenly breathless as well, desperate for a reaction from him. I see him breathing heavily but steadily, calming eventually. My brother gathers himself before looking to me. I cannot possibly read the look in his eyes; I only know that behind them is pure chaos. His mouth twitches a bit and he swallows before speaking.
"Let us go, for now."
"B-Bu- "
"Belgie is going to tell someone of the fire, you shouldn't remain here." his voice is still in a state of shock, monotone and deadly calm. He is telling me to leave... just like Belgium did. I can't believe it. There is a dangerous silence laying between us. It feels so urgent, short, yet forever. It is as if he is refusing to process the event at the moment to get himself together. I look to the burning house as well, valuing my options. Perhaps she is right. They wouldn't accept me again. Especially if my siblings don't welcome me... no one will. I get more anxious thinking about the consequences if everyone knows.

"But where to go?!" I desperately keep going.
"You should go out of the town for a while... I'll... get to you when things have calmed." Lux suggests, taking my arm in attempt to get me up. I obey him and stand up, though I don't feel like walking through the streets, where preying eyes are watching through the windows, glaring, judging. It worsens my anxiety. I certainly do not need that! I can't stand it. I take a deep breath and reach out for my brother.
"I'm scared of going, Lux. I don't want to be seen." I mumble, feeling like a little child instant of a grown adult. I feel... impatience, annoyance radiating from Luxembourg, it fuels my fears. He feels annoyed with me? Does he really? My heart creaks at the realization. Am I just a burden after all? Still, after all those years? I am at fault for Dutch's death after all, but I thought he hated him as well?! Though, Lux manages to keep himself composed while I feel further lost. I wish the ground would swallow me whole.
"There isn't another way to leave." he hums in a low tone and glares into the distance again, as if in a trance. I pull my hood over and exhale shakily.
"Let us... go then."
"Neth I... I can't. You go alone."
"What?!"
"I can't just leave. This is my home. I won't fit in anywhere else." Lux coos and I freeze in place again. Again, he wants me gone! He doesn't want to be associated with me. I back away a bit, shocked, throat closed. My hands feel cold and I start shaking, mind fogged. He wants to stay here, in this garden? The flames could reach him here!
"You're not staying, you could die! Why would you want to die?!"
"Didn't you want to die too?"
"What?!"
"Word has spread about the wound you were found with, and how you survived. You should have been dead by that! What happened to you?! Are you even Netherlands?!"
"I am..."
"No! You can't! My brother has died! You're not him!"
"I... I..."

I couldn't bare it anymore, Lux and Belgie doesn't see me as myself anymore, and now my disguise is broken. Vanished. Gone. There might be nothing left for me here anymore...

I have failed. As always.