Playing with Fire | Yuzuru Hanyu

20. Doubts

In Aria's head, she wouldn't think of the man ever again and would just move on with her life, going with all of her usual clients and allowing everything to go back to normal.

The world of fantasy in his arms had to end eventually and she had to move on with her life, going through her clients and forgetting about this one.

He didn't need her. Yuzuru had way more things to focus on than her.

She was happy that he got to know her real name and that they shared those moments together, despite being the end. Deep down, she wanted him to know that the whole thing had been more to her than she could explain with words, that those last times weren't just for the contract that they had both agreed upon.

Even so, all of that was useless when she planned on never seeing the man again.

It was only when she had her first client after him that Aria truly realized the effect of him on her.

In the past, it was very easy to ignore the lingering feeling that none of that was real, that she was merely doing a pretend game, and that her life was completely separate from the woman she was for every client.

When it came to going back, it made her realize just how different things had been with him.

Because yes, she never had to act that much with him around, most of her choices had been made on instinct and not thoroughly thought out like she had to do now.

She had placed all her trust in Yuzuru but this was something that wouldn't happen with most of her clients. In fact, it didn't happen with anyone else.

All the others were just the same as they had always been. She was completely wary of every move, every word and nothing was said without serious consideration. Aria had been in the game for long enough to know how words could be easily distorted against her.

The lingering feeling that nothing was the same prevailed at home in a lot of situations. Aliyah came over and Aria couldn't help but be a bit colder than usual, to answer in ways that she wouldn't in the past.

It wasn't even voluntary but it was hard to see the other girl like she used to when they fought every so often. 

The whole thing started when Aria refused to talk about Yuzuru and was dragged on for what felt like a lifetime.

Suddenly, a lot of their peeves with each other were becoming bigger and bigger and it was hard to control how her brain seemed to hate Aliyah's opinions on the most basic of things.

Aria couldn't really blame Yuzuru for this, it was just that she was slowly realizing just how many divergences had been between her and her friend for what felt like years.

It was now very hard to share all the uncertainties that had been plaguing her mind.

Had she told Aliyah that she wasn't so sure about the job anymore, what would've been the reaction?

Would it be fine like in the past or would the woman go completely mad?

The uncertainty was telling.

If you couldn't tell your best friend about your doubts, then could you really be certain that this was the right person to trust with your deepest feelings? Could Aria even have trusted Aliyah with her conflicting feelings about Yuzuru without being dragged?

One thing was certain, all of the situation with him woke her up in ways that were more unexpected than she could've realized.

When you start questioning your job choices because of a man, then you really must have it badly.

Just because she had doubts, it didn't mean that anything changed in her life.

Aria needed the money, or at least that's what she told herself. Making a change now would be too irresponsible and focusing on her degree was far more important.

Even thinking about that excuse seemed ridiculous then because when it came to University, she was now entering her summer break and there wasn't much to study at all.

Had this been a regular time in her life, this would be when Aria would take more clients than usual when she would open up her schedule and allow more bookings. In the previous summer alone, she had made in a week the same amount that was usual for the whole month merely by playing dates with a few rich guys who wanted a hot girl to be in a beach bar with.

Now, however, she was highly reluctant to even change her usual schedule. 

With her whole schedule booked for the next few days, it was hard to debate why she shouldn't try and make more money. It wasn't as if she was busy with anything else.

In the end, it took a couple of days until she finally gathered the courage to take on a few new clients and bookings and it didn't even take too long to fill her newly opened schedule.

Most of the guys were regulars who constantly checked on her availability so it didn't surprise her. Only one of the bookings was for a new guy.

When the app flagged the appointment, Aria went to check right away.

Maybe it was the lingering hope that Yuzuru would still try and book her after everything or maybe it was just curiosity. The truth was that it wasn't him and that ended up being a disappointment that she didn't account for.

Aria didn't recognize the name but it was far from Japanese so she quickly dismissed the silly idea of a possible fake identity of his.

Either way, she had plenty of new guys, what could it hurt to have another new client?