It's stupid. Because suddenly, I realized how hard It was to actually be in love with him. All this time it was him. The very person I confided in. The person who bore the weight of all my problems. The person who did everything to help me. The person who had been by my side from the start. The person I can't have. It's not a silly crush like before, because I know him, I've been getting to know him say by day. And it's really him I love. What do I do? He's my friend.
Someone I can't have. He has someone else. It hurts. Why am I like this? Either way it's always hard falling for someone I can't have or falling for someone that's no good for me. I can't tell him. I don't want to ruin our friendship. The only thing I can do now is to act like everything is okay. I have to pretend. He can't know. And if all things don't go well, I have to let go. Let him go. Detach from him. Avoid him. Distance myself from him. Because I'm a coward. Because that's all I can do. Run away. A coward. A fool.
I hate you for making me want you when I know I can't have you. Because the more I talk to you, the more I want you and I obviously can't have you.
I never meant for this to happen, I never meant to fall so hard. And for a friend never less that I can only ever love from afar. After countless sleepless nights in thought, thinking of what I want but can't have, sometimes after I fall exhausted, I think, what is the purpose of life if not loving someone who loves you back. And so I'll have to learn to forget. Forget the shape of your smile, forget the curves of your face. We became friends, but I don't know when your presence became so important to me that I fell in love with you.
I know that you may not be the perfect person for me. But nothing right now can change how I feel about you. It's hard because I can't stop falling mid-air. I haven't hit the ground yet because there are so many questions left unanswered. I hate myself for believing I still have a chance with you. I'm so in love with all of these ideas surrounding everything about you, and I don't want to give up that hope just yet. It's hard to do so when it makes me feel so genuinely happy. And it strikes me as unbelievable. It's funny how the person who makes my heart the happiest doesn't even know the effect he has on me.
